


Checking From Behind. 2809.

by DickAnderton



Series: Hockey AU [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Ice Hockey AU, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-07-18 14:44:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16120658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DickAnderton/pseuds/DickAnderton
Summary: This is the sequel to Checking From Behind.Isak has been drafted to potentially play hockey for the KHL in Helsinki. Even is soon going to face his abusive coach in court. As the date for the trial draws nearer, so does the beginning of the hockey season and therefore a decision about Isak's contract. The two of them come together in a time of uncertainty about the future and deal with how life has different plans for them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you for reading and for supporting my work so much it made me want to write a sequel. I love you all! 
> 
> A special thank you goes out to my amazing betas PicadoraDK, alittlebitobsessed, and butilltakeyouback, you can find them on tumblr and give them love for their amazing work. And of course thank you, show-me-heaven, for being an amazing friend and talking about lovesick hockey players with me for hours and hours.
> 
> A note on accuracy: There's tons of facts that I made up. I appreciate writers who do a lot of research but I am not one of them and there will be a lot of things that probably wouldn't happen in real life. I did my best to make it somewhat realistic, but especially when it comes to drafting processes, marketing strategies, and Norwegian law, I improvised a lot. However, Jokerit Helsinki does exist, so does their stadium, and I try my best to keep hockey as real as possible.
> 
> Needless to say, I am both nervous and excited, so here it goes!
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr, it makes me write and post twice as fast: wecanjustbreathe.tumblr.com.

For the second time in only a few minutes, Isak missed the wide open net. Their opposing third defense line for the scrimmage was having trouble to find a rhythm today and Coach yelled at them in fast Finnish, presumably for doing a shitty job, but they hadn't yet sunk to the level of pathetic Isak was at today. He slammed his stick down onto the ice in frustration as he watched Mutasim Tatouti pick the puck up from behind the goal line with a grin in Isak’s direction despite Coach's rage. It wasn’t a snarl, it was a playful smile full with sparkling eyes that said he was glad to be back on the ice with his team and have fun with this year’s rookies. It was even somewhat encouraging, but Isak didn’t have it in him to laugh his miss off. 

There was no room for him to mess this up. He had one chance at this and if he ruined it because his head was occupied with thoughts of his boyfriend and the skype conversation they had had last night, he was never going to forgive himself for it. He had to shake this off, or otherwise he would soon be packing his bags and going home to Oslo to watch the season take off without him.

When Isak had gotten the call from the Seadogs' coach, he had been busy lazily making out with Even in their hotel room in Italy, avoiding the afternoon heat and passing the time until the sun was down and they could go down to the piazza for more ice cream and an evening swim. He had expected him to call, but not with the news that he had had. 

As with all college players in their final year of university, his goal had been to play for the GET league. Preferably Maglerud Oslo. Growing up playing for Oslo and captaining their college team didn’t make it unlikely, and his senior season had definitely turned heads. In his brightest dreams, Isak had imagined him and Even playing for Oslo together, remaining a D-team, keeping things the way they were as much as possible. Neither of them had been ready for change even though their upcoming graduation had made it inevitable.

What he had gotten was something Isak hadn’t even dared to dream of. Sure, Oslo had wanted him. He had felt a moment of pure bliss when Coach had told him so. But there was another team that had their eyes on him and Isak’s brain still hadn’t managed to make sense of it all since he had found out two months ago. 

He had been invited to prospect camp by Jokerit Helsinki. The KHL. The second best league in the world, consisting mainly of Russian teams. It was rare for Norwegian players to even be considered and Isak had almost been glad when he had found out a few days later that there was a good reason for him being on their radar. One other than him receiving the player of the year award for his final season shortly after their cup win back in April and him being “hot and awesome” as Even had kept insisting.

Eskild. Or rather, Eskild’s former roommate Linn. She had gotten Eskild a job on the Jokerit roster since he had apparently needed a change of scenery after finding out the guy he had been dating for the second half of the last season had been married. Lacking any impulse control, he had quit the Seadogs and flown out to be interviewed by Helsinki. And apparently he had taken Isak’s files with him.

Which had brought him here, to training camp with the actual Jokerit Helsinki team. It was only a stupid scrimmage but Isak had never been more nervous. It was his third day and he was fucking up badly. He had barely made it through prospect camp to even get here. This was some next level hockey and while he had been doing okay for the last two days, he sucked today. 

He was on the bench waiting for his line to be up when Coach blew his whistle and motioned for them to gather around. Isak watched the players that had been set against him jump the boards of the away bench and skate towards them. They weren’t college guys and it was obvious in so many ways. Some of them were veteran players, some had won the cup with other KHL teams in the past. These were the people Isak had looked up to his entire life. The Seadogs had been a bunch of teenagers with baby faces compared to this.

Isak stayed where he was but shuffled around some to make more space for his current teammates. He looked up when Mutta came to a halt right in front of him and leaned over the boards to find a water bottle. When Isak handed one to him, he was rewarded with another smile.

“Don’t overthink it. Once you get it into your head that you can’t do it, you can’t,” he said and squirted some water into his mouth. He was sweaty, his dark hair plastered to his forehead underneath his helmet, his beard making him look older than he actually was. From what Isak knew, he was only three years older than him and it was merely his second year with Jokerit.

“Yeah,” he mumbled. Isak contemplated saying something else, something about how his head was somewhere else today, but he didn’t know if it was appropriate. He hardly knew Mutta, and he didn’t want to start whining already. He was here to play hockey, not to cry about his relationship and personal issues. 

When they were all standing together, Coach got out his clipboard and began drawing lines on it, grumbling something in Finnish that Isak didn’t understand into his massive blond beard. He still watched attentively, since it looked like he was referring to their forward lines. 

It was still weird to think of himself as a centre player. It was the first thing Jokerit had told him once he had entered the rink on his first day of prospect camp. They didn’t want him playing defence. It was true that for a defence player, Isak had always been pushy, he had scored a good amount of goals considering his position, he had always been on the offensive side. But he had also played defense his entire life and giving it up now felt like leaving something of himself behind. 

The change in positions didn’t make it any easier to keep up with this team of champions. He knew what was expected of him in theory, but it proved to be impossible to deliver it on the ice. Especially with new guys he had never played with before and who were so much better than him.

Mutta leaned over the boards even further to quietly say: “He wants you to stop thinking about whether to shoot or pass, it slows you down. Just go for it.” 

“Thanks,” Isak nodded.

The important parts of practice were usually held in English, but more often than not, Coach simply forgot. Along with three other guys, Isak was in the vast minority of players that didn’t speak a word of Finnish. The seven would-be rookies that had made it through prospect camp with him were all Fins and the few players that weren’t had picked up enough of the language by now to be able to follow simple instructions.

It was inconvenient to say the least, but Isak tried not to let it bother him. It was going to get easier soon, once he picked up the important words like “skate, shoot, goal” and the team stopped forgetting about his presence all the damn time. 

He had to perform better for that to happen though. A lot better. The way he had played today was not going to get him a spot on the team. Being in training camp with a KHL team was more than Isak had ever imagined, but it wouldn’t mean a thing if he didn't take his chance. And he only had two more weeks to make sure they all knew he was ready. Even after that, he would only be a prospect player for the first nine games of the preseason before they would even start talking contracts and he would play actual games of the real season. There were still so many hurdles to take before it became official. Him being here didn’t matter if he didn’t make every second count.

Coach locked eyes with him then and finally switched to English. He clarified some things, insulted Isak’s game today, and dragged their entire first forward line. He wasn’t happy with them, not even with his best players, and he wasn’t shy about letting them know. But Isak knew he was right. The team was miles above the level he was used to from the Seadogs but not nearly as good as they could be and had been in the past. And he knew that his own game had sucked the most today.

When he dragged himself into the showers, his body sore and exhausted, he wished he could just turn back time and redo his hour on the ice. He went over everything that had gone wrong, the two shots he had missed, the miscommunication with his fourth line. 

He had become so used to Even, it was a rude wake up call to play with people whose language he didn’t speak and who came from such different places hockey wise. He hadn’t yet connected with his team, he was still busy watching them, judging, figuring out their dynamics. And it showed in how he played. He didn’t trust them yet, and he didn’t trust himself right now either.

He would have liked to talk to Mutta some more, but his stall was on the other side of the room and he was loudly laughing and talking in Finnish, entertaining a whole group of guys. So Isak concentrated on getting dressed and getting out of there so that he could brood some more and call Even to make his day a little bit better.

They hadn’t seen each other in five weeks and it was getting more painful than Isak wanted it to be. It was distracting him and weighing him down. He didn’t know how to fix it and stop missing Even so much. He couldn’t leave Helsinki right now, and Even had busied himself with coaching Little League over the summer to have something to do other than sit around and think, so he was stuck in Oslo, coaching during the week and overseeing games on the weekends.

It only made things harder not having him here. Isak wanted this opportunity more than anything, he was excited about it, wanted to make the best of it, wanted to make the team and become one of the best. It wasn’t motivation or excitement that he was lacking. He just wished he could have had all of this a little bit closer to home, a little bit closer to where Even was and the Seadogs and his friends.

He shook his head to get the thoughts out of his head though. This was it. It was everything he had ever wanted and more, and he wasn’t going to talk himself into being homesick and lonely. This was an opportunity he never thought he’d get, and he wasn’t going to waste it. 

Isak stuffed his yellow jersey into the bin that was provided. It didn’t have a number, since it was only a practice jersey. It also didn’t sport the C on his chest any longer, and worst of all, it wasn’t red. Jokerit played in yellow on home games and blue on away games, with a joker embroidered on their chests. The yellow of its little hat with the bells on it had also been picked up on for practice gear. Isak didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t red, and all the colors in the dressing room, the overwhelming amount of yellow being tossed into the laundry bin, made him feel just a little bit more like he didn’t belong. 

Yet. He didn’t belong here yet. Which was perfectly fine, since he hadn’t talked much to anyone and was only starting to get to know them.

The other would-be rookies were alright, but the language barrier led to Isak being left out more often than not, and since they were all from around Helsinki they weren’t as desperate to make friends. Also, they were the ones Isak was still competing against, since not all of them would make the team, and it wasn’t easy to ignore sometimes. 

Some of the older guys had talked to Isak, welcomed him to the team, exchanged some niceties, but it wasn’t like he was immediately going to hit it off with 30 year old players who had families and wives. And then there were the guys in their mid twenties, the biggest part of the team, the ones that already knew each other from last year and before and that were happy to see each other again after the summer. They were all busy reconnecting, catching up, and it would likely take a few days for them to take a step towards the rookies. 

Their captain was Nikolai Magnusson, a large Fin who hadn’t really bothered with Isak so far. He shared a last name with William which was enough reason for Isak to be wary of him. He did a good job on the ice, but he was quiet off of it, a calm amidst the chattering group of guys. Isak hadn’t figured him out yet, but he didn’t feel comfortable around him and that was all it took for him to stay away for now.

Once he was dressed, he left the locker room along with two of his fellow prospects. They switched to English for him as they walked over to the car park and Isak listened to them making plans for the weekend with their girlfriends. They invited Isak along and he shrugged his shoulders in a vague gesture. He would have been up for hanging out, but joining a double date? It didn’t sound like much fun and so he left it at a maybe. 

The second they left the rink, they went back to Finnish as Simen, the one Isak had mainly played on a line with during prospect camp, took out his phone and talked about some sketchy instagram post made by his sister. Isak trailed behind and squinted his eyes against the sun as he contemplated whether he wanted to ask them for a ride home. He had agreed to their offer yesterday, as the Simen and Adam lived together, and it had been alright, despite their continuous conversations in Finnish. 

He stopped in his tracks when his eyes fell on the silhouette of someone leaning against a car that was parked in the lot, all the way in the back. It didn’t make any sense, but Isak definitely knew that body, knew his boyfriend’s shadowy outline. 

“Are you catching a ride with us?” Simen asked, and Isak somehow registered that he was being talked to but he kept his eyes on Even. 

“No,” he mumbled. “I’m being picked up.” 

He didn’t bother saying goodbye, and instead began jogging across the car park. He was glad that Even had thought of parking all the way in the back to make their reunion a little bit more personal, but he also hated all the goddamn space between them, and he was running for real when he finally fell into Even’s arms. He didn’t think of his teammates that were pouring out of the building somewhere behind him. It was none of their business if Isak was hugging someone. He was far enough away for them not to see the tears of joy in his eyes or the way he was trembling with relief. He was clutching at Even’s back desperately, pulling him in closer and closer, breathing him in, not ready to ever let him go again. 

“Isak,” Even said into his ear in form of a hello. His voice was shaking and he said it like he couldn’t quite believe they were here together either. He wrapped his arms around Isak even more tightly and Isak could hear him take a deep breath. 

“What are you doing here?” he got out, but he didn’t really care. Didn’t really want to hear Even talk about how he most likely didn’t have much time and how he wasn’t staying for long. He was here and it was all that mattered.

“I missed you so damn much,” Even whispered into his ear. “Let’s never go five weeks again.”

“Never,” Isak agreed. He still held on to Even tightly, his arms around his chest. He couldn’t believe it was real, that he was really here. Only last night they had talked on skype, and Even had definitely still been in Oslo. 

“Have you planned this?” he asked. 

“Not much.” Even’s hand came up to Isak’s hair at the back of his head and he buried his fingers in it. “I just knew I had to do it soon, and after last night I couldn’t wait any longer.” 

“I love you. I love you so much. Thank you.”

Isak’s voice broke as he said it. He didn’t know how to tell Even how much he had needed him to do this, how he had chosen the perfect day. 

“I love you too. My KHL playing boyfriend.”

Even sounded so fond of him that it was easier all of a sudden to remember the joy he had felt when he had found out about being invited to Helsinki. It was always there, but today it had been buried underneath a pile of missing Even and crippling self doubt. Now that Even was here, things seemed significantly less grim. He smiled against his chest. 

“Do you wanna see the ice? The picture I sent you of the stands doesn’t really do justice to how huge this is,” he rambled and Even nodded. 

“Yeah. But not today. I wanna take you home.” 

His hands moved lower on Isak’s backside and Isak had to bite his lip to suppress his smile. He pushed his lower body forward a bit, grinding against Even’s crotch in a teasing movement. 

“Okay. Home it is,” he said and finally managed to pull back. Seeing Even’s face was almost too much though and he had to close his eyes for a second to save the memory. Even’s eyes were small with happiness, his lips stretched into a grin, and it was such a contrast to how grave he had looked last night on Isak’s dirty laptop screen. It made relief wash over him in such a strong wave that it almost felt as if he was high. 

He wanted to kiss him, but he knew that his teammates had probably not cleared out yet, that they were maybe even watching him, and Even’s hands on his ass were already bad enough. They were hidden by the other cars, only two silhouettes against the sun, but there was no point in risking it. So Isak took a step back instead, determined to get home as fast as possible. 

“Did you rent the car?” he asked in the same moment that he realized that it was Eskild’s.

“Borrowed it,” Even said. “Eskild picked me up from the airport earlier.”

He walked around the car to open the passenger door for Isak with a suggestive wink and Isak rolled his eyes at him. But he got in either way and followed Even’s movements with his eyes as he walked back around to the driver’s side and put on his sunglasses in the process. 

Even looked so incredibly good in his dark red Seadogs shirt from last season. It looked familiar and like home, and Isak’s heart beat faster just at the thought of ripping it off of him the second they got home. For the first time since he had gotten to Helsinki five weeks ago, he was truly happy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the warm welcome back! It's overwhelming how kind you are xxx
> 
> I posted an overview of all the players and a bit of a timeline here: http://wecanjustbreathe.tumblr.com/post/178635971903

They hadn’t seen each other in five weeks, but there was surprisingly little to catch up on. It wasn’t like they hadn’t talked. The thing Isak was craving, what made it hard to even remain in the passenger seat at every red light instead of jumping Even right there in the car, was how they hadn’t touched in way too long.

Even’s hand held his tightly as he drove while their intertwined fingers rested on Isak’s thigh, but instead of soothing some of the ache he felt for Even, all it did was pour gasoline onto the fire within him. He knew Even felt the same way by how he kept running his thumb over the thick fabric of Isak’s sweatpants and drummed the fingers of his other hand on the steering wheel. The traffic on the way back to Eskild's place was stifling.

It hadn’t really been a question Isak had had to think about when Eskild had asked him to move in with him. At least temporarily. There was no point in renting a flat when he didn’t even know for sure that he was going to stay in Helsinki. Especially not when Eskild had a guest room and lived conveniently close to the rink. It was about half an hour by foot, and when he didn’t catch a ride with one of his teammates, Isak usually walked or jogged home after practice. It was perfect. The area was a bit more urban, closer to the city than the Seadogs’ rink and campus had been, but it didn’t bother Isak as long as he could still run.

It wasn’t practical to go by car though. They got caught in the evening rush hour and had to inch their way forward on the packed highway as the sun settled in front of them and painted the interior of the car golden. Being stuck in the car left Isak with no reason to ignore the inevitable looming question.

“How long are you going to stay?”

Even turned his head to look at him with a smile Isak could see right through. 

“Two weeks. Until right before.”

Isak let out a loud sigh. Two weeks. It was more than he had hoped for. So much more. But the mention of what he had found out last night still made him feel instantly uneasy. 

They had two weeks until Even would go to court. Until he would have to face his former coach and testify in a room full of strangers that were, as much as Isak hated to admit it, unlikely both to believe him and to take action. 

But it wasn’t about that. Not for now. What mattered was that something was done, that Even had decided on pressing charges and spent the last few weeks finding himself a lawyer and setting up a trial, even if he was 'highly unlikely to win', as he kept being reminded.

They had found out about the court date last night, or Isak had, and had spent half an hour not talking on skype, only watching each other’s faces, enjoying each other’s company and silent support while neither of them had really known what else to say. It was all happening now, was no longer a whispered attempt at self determination. And it was happening now that Isak would be in Helsinki, when he wouldn’t be able to be there with Even on August 15th.

He would be wrapping up training camp right about when Even’s trial was set to begin, and Isak's guilt was getting to him. A small voice in his head had kept him up all night and told him that if he messed this up, if he didn’t make the team, he could at least make it to the trial. The fact that he had played like shit today didn’t sit any easier with him because of that. Had he subconsciously convinced himself that he didn’t even want a spot on the team anymore? Had he chosen Even over his dream this easily? 

He shoved the thoughts away. They had tried to talk about this last night and not much had come of it so there was no point in discussing it now. Time would pass if they wanted it to or not, and they wouldn’t be together in two weeks whether they liked it or not. Unless Isak kept playing like shit that was.

“Two weeks?” Isak asked. “What about the coaching?” He wasn’t even going to bring up that these were also the last few days in which Even could try and find himself a team for the next season. Whether it be GET league level or not. But they had talked about this before, too.

“I dropped it,” Even shrugged. “It would have only been a couple more days anyways. They can do it without me, whereas you need me here. Who’s gonna watch your back so you don’t injure yourself before your big debut next week, huh?”

Even sounded lighthearted, but there was something heavy in his voice that Isak knew he wasn’t exactly hiding but was tired of talking about. They had spent the entirety of the last month talking about the upcoming trial whenever they had called each other. They had talked it all over, there was nothing else to say. The only thing they could do now was try to find their happy moments in between all the worrying they did these days.

“But you loved the coaching,” Isak pointed out.

“Yeah,” Even agreed. “But I love you more. And two weeks is already not a lot of time. When you make the team you’ll be gone pretty much the entire year. We’ll see each other for holidays and quick visits when you have a run of home games, but that’ll be about it.” 

He put the car in gear and started driving again as some space opened up in the lane before them. Isak squeezed Even's hand. 

“If I make the team,” he had to insist. “Look, I can’t even tell you how much I want you here, but I hate thinking you dropped this for me. There’s the final game coming up and you won’t be there? As their coach who was with them the whole way, who's brought them there? They’re only kids, Even, I’m sure they got attached to you.”

Even shrugged again. He didn’t look particularly bothered. 

“I made a choice. Because I am attached to you, okay? You don’t need to talk me into going back just because you feel guilty for being here. You’re allowed to put hockey first just as much as I am allowed to put you first. It doesn’t mean you don’t care as much about me or that you’re being selfish, stop beating yourself up for choosing Jokerit. I didn’t do this to make you feel guilty about not doing the same for me and not dropping everything to be with me.”

Isak couldn’t even look at him anymore once the words were out. He had to turn his head and stare out the window, but he still held on to Even's hand. It was scary sometimes, the way Even knew him by now. How he knew his thoughts and the places his mind went. He knew exactly how guilty Isak felt and it wasn’t easy to be this exposed to him all the time. To be unable to hide anything from him. But at the same time it was Isak’s favorite thing in the world. And also the reason why they would be just fine, no matter what. 

“I couldn’t talk you into going back even if I wanted to,” he said quietly. “I’d sooner talk you into staying, there’s no way I’ll make you go before the very last second.”

He could feel Even’s thumb brush his chin as he lifted their hands to his face to make him look at him. He was still driving, but for a moment Isak caught his eyes before he turned his attention back to the road. 

“And I won’t. I’m here now, okay? The kids will be fine, they still have Magnus.”

Isak laughed at that.

“Yeah, how promising. I’m glad they have a role model,” he said sarcastically. 

“Hey,” Even laughed, “he’s not half bad at it. He keeps telling them about how his girlfriend could kick their asses out there. It makes them sweat twice as much.” 

Against everyone’s expectations, Magnus and Iben had been dating for almost half a year now. And Isak had to admit that it worked. Or at least it looked like it did. Considering how they were tasked with managing long distance between Hamar and Oslo. 

It was almost dark outside by the time they pulled into a parking spot a few doors down from Eskild’s flat. Parking was always a pain as the flat was in the downtown core. But it was a nice place, a lot nicer than the student accommodations Isak was used to. 

He reached for Even’s hand as they walked down the street together with Isak’s duffle bag full of smelly clothes and forgotten gym towels in between them. 

“Eskild said to tell you he’ll be out tonight,” Even let him know when he unlocked the door, wiggling his eyebrows.

Isak snorted. “How convenient. Did he leave us condoms and lube too?”

He was joking, but his heart was also beating faster at the thought of being alone with Even for the first time in forever. It had been five long weeks in which they hadn’t even done anything over skype. Even hadn’t ever stirred their conversations there, and while Isak had definitely thought about it, he hadn’t known how to bring it up. Not when they had had way too many heavy conversations in the same way, both of them sitting on their beds in two different countries, navigating around all the news the last month had brought. It hadn’t felt right to even try. 

Whenever they were together it was still something that left them both breathless, something that made Isak tremble with how close he felt to Even in those moments. He’d rather not have intimacy at all than get a half assed version of it on skype that had nothing to do with the feeling of touching Even for real. That didn't involve the thrill of being allowed to be close to him like that.

And he knew he had made the right choice simply by how different it felt when Even’s lips found his the second the door fell close behind them. This was what it was supposed to be like. Not a blurry screen that left both of them yearning for each other even more than before. 

Even groaned into his mouth and pushed him up against the wall in the same moment that Isak chose to reach for Even’s t-shirt and pull it up his chest. Even moved his arms up to help him with it and as the dark red fabric was bunched up between them around Even’s shoulders, Isak couldn’t help but take a deep breath. It smelled like home, like Even, like the Seadogs, and it made his heart ache. 

“I almost don’t want you to take this off,” he spoke against Even’s lips, and it made him laugh.

“Because it has my name on it or because of the sexy little Seadog?” 

Isak groaned and rolled his eyes. “Oh my God. Neither.”

“Speak for yourself then,” Even said and he pushed his hips into Isak’s. “I do miss you in red, your name on your back. I miss the C. It was hot.” 

Isak couldn’t help but move with Even, seeking the friction of his body. His thigh pressed between Even's legs in a way that left both of them breathless way too soon. 

“You smell like home,” Isak admitted, ignoring the playful way Even was teasing him. He needed him to know how much he had missed him, and it wasn’t a joke to him. It was only a stupid color, but it never failed to make Isak emotional. He still slept curled up with an old shirt that had Even’s 28 on the back.

“You’ll look so good in yellow,” Even replied, but the joy was gone from his voice and his hips stilled against Isak’s. He pulled back a bit to be able to look at him. “It’ll feel like home soon, I’m sure. I missed blue when I came to Oslo. It fades, I promise.” 

“Yeah,” Isak sighed. “I’m not complaining.” 

“You can.” 

“I won’t. This is good. It just sucks that it means I don’t get to be with you, with the team. But you know that, we don’t need to spend all our time together being miserable about it. We’ll get used to it.”

He wanted to pull Even back in and get back to what they had been doing but he also knew he had killed the mood without intending to, and it annoyed him. He wanted Even. His body was aching for him, but now his eyes also burned with how badly he had missed him and how they weren’t in a place right now where this could be easy. Where they could fall into each other’s arms and be excited about what the future would bring. 

All the excitement Isak felt was dripping with guilt, and he knew it in return made Even feel bad about taking his joy about Jokerit from him, if involuntarily. Isak felt like he was letting his boyfriend down the first time he really needed him to be there for him, while Even felt like he was holding Isak back. 

No matter what, Isak would always miss Oslo. But maybe he wouldn’t miss it quite as badly if he could be sure that Even was happy, that he was playing hockey somewhere and not preparing for a war Isak couldn’t fight with him. The timing just sucked. And him missing Oslo was inextricably linked with him feeling like he should be there. It was a vicious circle neither of them knew how to break, apparently not even now that they were finally together again. 

But they could do nothing but accept that their lives had different plans for them right now and that the contrast sucked for both of them. And now it had ruined their reunion sex and Isak felt like punching a wall. 

He wrapped his arms around Even and pulled his shirt back down in the process. He was only a little bit shorter than him but he still loved how he could rest his chin on Even’s shoulder and feel like he was being held up by him. 

“Let’s have dinner first,” he suggested. “I’m starving. Coach had us do sprinting drills for ages.”

“Okay,” Even nodded, but he didn’t move. He simply held on to Isak, making sure his back was against the wall like he couldn’t hold both of them up right now either. 

“Can’t wait to watch you play tomorrow,” he said, but he sounded distracted. It messed with both of their heads, the way the prospect of the next few weeks hung over them like a dark cloud. 

Isak groaned. “I sucked today, you would have been ashamed had you been there.” 

“No,” Even simply shook his head. Then he leaned back and placed a soft kiss on Isak’s forehead. “You’ll be just fine, okay? One practice doesn’t mean shit. You’ll be great tomorrow.”

Isak’s heart bled with how greedily he took in the reassurance when really Even had so much more reason right now to need him. He was being selfish and unsupportive while Even was so full of bravery and enthusiasm for Jokerit. It wasn’t fair and Isak hated it. But he didn’t know how to change his feelings of homesickness and lament about how everything was wrong right now. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” he repeated and leaned in to kiss Even. Whatever happened and no matter what they were facing right now, they would do it together, he told himself. They wouldn’t let it drive them apart. They were going to have dinner and then there were going to go to bed. Because the one thing they could do right now was to try and savor this time they had. 

Just as their lips touched, Isak’s phone rang from somewhere in his duffle bag. He hated breaking away from Even, but he went nonetheless. The numbers in his phone were the ones of KHL managers these days, he couldn’t afford ignoring his calls and not checking his phone for days on end any longer. Even’s hands lingered on his neck but he let him go. 

It was Coach. Jokerit’s coach that was. It would take a while to get used to the fact that Coach was no longer Eva's dad, but a different man that was now watching Isak’s every step, observing him on and off the ice in a way that made Isak feel insecure and jumpy. 

“Hello?” he answered the call. 

“Valtersen!” Coach replied. His voice was gruff. He always sounded displeased, even when his words weren’t accusing. “Your agent has contacted the staff about your contract. This is just to let you know we are discussing the matters that were brought forth. Right now your performance on the ice is all you should focus on. I need to see you do better to take your numbers into consideration. But I trust that if you give me your best game, we can work out the best conditions for you. Should you become a prospect.” 

Isak was startled. “Agent? What agent?”

There was a lot of paperwork that came with playing professionally. And part of it was of course finding an agent. He couldn’t rely on Eskild and his former coach to continue doing the work a professional agent should be doing for him. Scouting teams, talking to managers, and managing his contract. It was about time that he found himself someone he wanted to work with, someone to figure out his public image. It was everything he already hated about playing for a team like Jokerit, which was why he had put it off. He had called a few people, talked to some agencies, but he hadn’t committed himself to anything so far. He didn’t have an agent. 

“Sana Bakkoush?”

“Right.” Isak nodded, pretending that the name rang a bell. “Of course. Thanks.”

There was no way he was going to tell Coach he had no idea what he was talking about. He could feel his phone buzzing in his hand with a text as he spoke. 

“I’ll see you on the ice. Hopefully in better form than today.” 

“Yes,” Isak agreed, but the line had already gone quiet. 

Even looked at him from where he was contemplating the content of the fridge that Eskild kept well stocked with protein shakes and fresh vegetables Isak didn’t know how to prepare and kept snacking on in their raw form. 

“Huh?” he made, but Isak held up a finger.

The text he had gotten was from an unknown number and was no less confusing than the phone call he had just received.

This is your agent. Congratulations. I will meet you tomorrow after practice. 4 PM sharp, right outside the rink. S.


	3. Chapter 3. Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are going to be chapters from Even's POV in this and this is the first one. Isak has a lot more chapters, but it is a dual POV story now! This is set right after chapter 2 though, no time jumps or anything xxx
> 
> PS: This is for the nice anon I got today that made me write all day! Thank you!

EVEN'S POV

\---

Even traced the muscles of Isak’s backside with his index finger. It was evident that he had intensified his work out routine these last few weeks in the way his body had changed already. Jokerit was doing something to him, not only mentally. 

Isak’s skin was glistening with a thin layer of sweat and his lower back and behind were flushed red where Even’s hands had dug into him. Where Even had pulled him in closer to keep him pressed closed against him as they had rubbed off against each other. 

It never failed to amaze Even how desperate they still were for each other. He had thought about their reunion the entire time on the plane to Helsinki, had wondered if they would go all the way. They had done so a few times in Italy, but today they had been too worked up to even consider it.

Isak had basically tackled him after dinner, had climbed on top of him on his large bed and done all the work of getting them off in the easiest, most primal way. Just seeking friction until it became too much, barely taking the time to take off their clothes. And Even had been glad for it. He didn’t know if he could give Isak more than that at the moment. If he could spend hours worshipping his body the way he had done this summer. His mind was elsewhere and he didn’t know what to do about it.

This however, watching Isak’s breathing become shallow, tracing the goosebumps on his shoulders with his fingertips and making him shudder ever so slightly, was what he wanted and needed. He knew Isak was falling asleep, splayed out on his stomach, the covers dragged lazily over his legs only, his naked body relaxed and entirely on display for Even. All the distance that had separated them these last few weeks hadn’t changed how much trust there was between them, and it made Even swallow hard when he pressed his fingers into the dip of Isak’s lower back. Isak lifted up his hips just a bit, offering himself to him, arching into his touch. 

Even was sitting up, his back leaning against the bare wall behind the bed for the lack of a headboard. He let his eyes run over every inch of Isak’s body, following the movement of his fingers that were lulling him to sleep. There was a bruise forming on Isak’s thigh and he had to fight the urge to reach down and kiss it; afraid it would wake Isak up in the process. But he made a mental note to ask who had checked him this hard, to know who he had to keep an eye on when he watched Isak practice tomorrow. 

He knew he had made the right choice by coming to Helsinki. He had needed this, especially after last night. He had needed to know where they stood and what Isak’s honest thoughts were on all of this. Now that he was here with him, everything was so much easier already. Last night, when he had told Isak about the exact date of the trial, he had basically seen the plan forming in Isak’s head, had known that he would throw away Jokerit if it came down to it. He would leave training camp early for him or refuse a contract if he had to. Even had realized then that the only way to prevent that from happening was coming to see Isak.

He had been with Isak when he had gotten the news about Finland. He had seen the joy in his eyes, the way his body had barely been able to contain it. How he had smiled about it for days and had kept Even up day and night to release all his pent up energy somewhere. He had been the happiest person in the world while they had been in Italy and Even wanted it to stay that way. He wasn’t going to allow Isak to resent his choice of coming here.

He lightly drew his fingers lower, as far as he could reach, and dipped his thumb into the crease of Isak’s ass, smiling to himself, and Isak shifted next to him to turn his face to the side. His curls were tousled and his eyes half closed, but he wasn’t sleeping after all. There was a smile playing on his lips, half hidden in his pillow, and Even drank it in. 

“What are you doing?” Isak mumbled. “Am I supposed to sleep like that?”

“No. You’re supposed to kiss me,” Even heard himself say. His voice sounded tired even to himself.

He hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep lately and he didn’t feel particularly tired right now. His body did, especially after his early flight today, but his mind was restless. He watched Isak prop himself up on his elbows and shuffle towards him, lifting his head, but he was still too far away to kiss. 

“Come down here then,” Isak demanded, his voice low and heavy with exhaustion. Even hated keeping him up like this. But he hadn’t seen Isak in ages, and it wasn’t even midnight yet. And frankly, he wanted to keep talking to him. Needed to hear his voice and touch his skin and feel his lips on his. 

So he moved down the bed until he was face to face with Isak who was still holding himself up, now hovering over Even. When he leaned down to kiss him, Even closed his eyes and sighed against his lips. His entire body prickling with the feeling of how much he had missed this. They hadn’t gotten enough time like this and he kept thinking back to just how much time they had wasted when they had been playing for the Seadogs together last year.

They had spent so much time with the team, had been living for the Seadogs and their championship. There just hadn’t been a lot of time to just be together. Alone that was. All the time they had gotten away from the team together had always felt like stolen moments, never enough. Had they known how far away from each other they would be this year, Even knew they would have made more of an effort. But it had always been the goal to make it to the finals, to win the cup, and after that they’d have all the time in the world. Only once they had managed to do so, they had merely gotten one blissful week in Italy together before they had been caught up in both their news. 

Even moved his hand to the back of Isak’s neck to keep him from ever moving away from him. Their lips were slow, gentle, tired, and still there was that unmistakable hint of desire there. It hadn’t gone anywhere ever since the first time they had kissed and Even still loved to taste it on Isak’s lips, feel it in the way Isak’s breath trembled just slightly and his skin turned hot underneath his hands. 

If only he hadn’t decided to take on that stupid trial. It hadn’t been a rushed decision or one he hadn’t considered from all angles. But when he had made it, Even hadn’t known just how many of his old fears and worries it would bring back with it. And just how much it would weigh on Isak, too. At times, Even felt like doing this alone might even be easier than watching Isak struggle to hold it all together, to concentrate on hockey and every bit of the amazing things he was going through right now while also being there for him. 

“Are you not tired?” Isak spoke against his lips, not hopeful for one answer or the other but sounding worried. 

“I’m okay. Just don’t wanna lose any more time with you,” Even said. He pulled back though and spread his arm out for Isak to rest his head on and settle back down. It wasn’t a lie but it also didn’t say everything he wanted to say right now. 

“M’neither,” Isak mumbled. “Had you told me you’re coming I could have pushed some stuff around for the next few days.” 

“What kind of stuff?”

“Jokerit wants to do some ‘meet the rookies’ video, I don’t even know. I’ll be on the ice every day for hours, we have all those team meetings, all sorts of stuff. I still need to do my second physical. And the agent thing, whatever that is about. I wish I could just play and that was it.” 

“I’m sure they’ll all love you. Don’t worry too much. All that stuff is just so that you can play.”

Even’s hands were back on Isak’s skin, stroking over his shoulder blades now. He couldn’t see Isak’s face as it was buried in his neck, but he could feel him tense up a bit. 

“I’m sorry I’m so whiny,” Isak said. “I know this should be the other way around, you have so much more stuff to deal with right now. I should be telling you these things.” 

“Isak,” Even sighed. “Stop comparing it. You can be upset no matter what I feel okay? It doesn’t have to be worse for it to be real.” 

He thought back to a time where Isak had told him something similar. About him being allowed to be upset over what had ended his time with the Sharks. If only he didn’t feel like by accepting that, by acknowledging what had happened and wanting to put it behind him, he’d put all his worries onto Isak instead. Would he have given him that advice then? If he had known it would be like this? That he would have to deal with the aftermath? 

Isak’s voice was only a whisper when he said: “I just want us to be alright. I want things to be okay and to be with you and for you to be happy.”

Even swallowed hard against the heavy lump in his throat that seemed to always be right there these days. 

“I want you to be happy too, Isak. I’m sorry it’s because of me that you’re not.”

“What?” 

Isak was back up on his forearms in a second, looking down at Even with furrowed brows. Even reached to pull him back down, the cold air that hit his neck where Isak had just kept him warm feeling uncomfortable on his bare skin. But Isak wouldn’t let him. He stared him down fiercely, his strong arms not giving in to Even’s attempt. 

“Even, we’re not even gonna go there. I’m not upset because of you, I’m not sad because you are. You’re not making me unhappy. You never have.”

Even had to close eyes for a moment against the sea of memories that flooded his mind. Isak’s bleeding nose, his hurt face whenever Even had shown him his cold shoulder last year, the pain in his eyes when they had first talked about the trial and everything that had happened with the Sharks. No matter what Isak claimed, he had definitely caused him pain, and Even couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t. Couldn’t pretend their relationship had always been as easy as it had been for a few months at the beginning of the year until their cup win and Italy.

He didn’t know what to say though, didn’t want to make Isak feel worse by admitting that that was exactly what he thought. He didn’t want to put that on him too. To make him feel like he was responsible for Even, that he needed to show him just how happy he was with him. 

“Then why do you feel so guilty for having fun here? You’re talking yourself into not liking Jokerit because you can’t stand the thought of enjoying this while I’m...” He didn’t have the words for it. For what he was about to go through. The trial, everything, it felt like something out of a nightmare. “I don’t want you to tell yourself this isn’t what you want just because you want to be in Oslo right now. It can be both. Don’t ruin this for yourself, I would hate myself for it if you did.” 

Isak’s eyes softened at his words but they also became shiny again and it ripped Even’s heart out of his chest.

“It’s not your fault,” Isak said, but his voice broke as he spoke. “None of it is. You’re right, okay? I’m worried and I’m scared for you and it distracts me and it makes me doubt Jokerit. But what’s your solution here? Go through the trial by yourself so you don’t bother me with it? Break up with me so I can be happy and you can be miserable on your own? It wouldn’t ever be like that, never. I would never be happier without you, so stop beating yourself up over putting us through a hard time. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault, Even.” 

Even moved his right hand over his eyes. He couldn’t bear to look at Isak like that, to feel the full extent of just how well he knew him and how there was nothing between them, nothing that kept them apart. It was too much sometimes, to look at him and realize just how serious they had become about each other. He had let Isak in, he had made that decision last year, and it still overwhelmed him to experience what that meant.

He could feel Isak leaning in, could feel him leaving wet kisses on his wrist, his fingers, the back of his hand that he had draped over his face. 

“Don’t do this,” Isak urged him between kisses. “Don’t shut down on me.” 

He was fully on top of Even now, his upper body pressing against his side, and Even didn’t know when they had moved this close to each other. Neither did he remember a time in which he hadn’t wanted Isak there, where he hadn’t trusted him or had panicked at the thought of being held down by him. All it did now was make him feel safe. He let Isak pry his fingers from his face and was hit by the full force of his green eyes staring into his. He still didn’t have any words.

“We’re gonna make it all work. All of it. We’re gonna work through all of this. The Sharks have ruined so much already, we’re not gonna let them ruin us. We’re here now, and we’re doing this now, and once your trial is there we’re doing that too, and afterwards we’ll figure out the rest.”

Isak was using his captain voice on him and Even knew that he was aware of it. He needed to hear this just as badly as he did, and it was that thought that finally made him nod and mumble: “Okay.”

“Yeah,” Isak agreed. “Don’t feel bad for it, okay?” 

Even had to clear his voice before he spoke. “If you don’t. Tell me all about Jokerit.”

“Tell me all about the trial,” Isak replied without missing a beat. 

It still didn’t feel right, but Even nodded. He could do this. They both could.

“I missed you,” he told Isak yet again and moved his hand further down his back and let it rest on the soft skin of his butt. There was no way they were gonna start something now, not with it being late and Isak having an early practice and both of them being emotional train wrecks. But it felt nice and familiar and Even liked the way Isak’s eyes fell close again at the touch. He dropped his chin to Even’s chest and kissed him there, the faint hint of stubble tickling his skin.

They laid like this for a while and Even could feel Isak relaxing in his arms yet again. He could tell he wasn’t falling asleep this time, probably still as caught up in his own thoughts as Even was, but his breathing was evening out and when Even could hear Eskild coming home a short while later, he didn’t stir. 

Even closed his eyes and fell asleep by pretending that by leaving Oslo he had also left behind all thoughts of the trial and the upcoming few weeks. He was here with Isak now, watching him play for the KHL, watching him be amazing and do what he loved, and he would love him and support him every step of the way. It was all he wanted to focus on right now and the thought of Isak smiling, of him being happy, finally relaxed him enough to drift off into sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Isak didn’t get much sleep, but he still woke up feeling better rested than he had in a while. He had fallen asleep on Even’s chest but woke up with his arms wrapped around Even’s middle from behind, their naked bodies pressed close together. When he got up to get ready for his cardio work out, Even simply mumbled something into the sheets and fell back asleep. There was no point in him getting up yet since it would be beyond weird if he tagged along to Isak’s gym sessions, and so Isak got ready on his own and then caught a ride with Eskild. Another incredibly convenient reason to live with him. 

Although, Isak kind of wished he could have avoided him this morning. There was a wide grin on Eskild’s face when Isak skipped down the stairs and into the kitchen where he was waiting for him with a protein shake in his hand. 

“Thought you might need this today,” he smiled as he pressed the drink into Isak’s hand and reached for his keys and his bag. He was wearing a purple tracksuit and flip flops over white socks and Isak would have been taken aback had he not been exposed for years to Jonas’ similar choice of style for years of his life.

“That outfit is revolting, would you tone it down?” Isak remarked with a smile. It was no secret that a hockey player would never be considered well dressed, not around the rink anyways, but Eskild had been the one to frown upon Isak’s simple sweatpants and shirt choices for years. It was only now that he was officially back in the closet that he had chosen to become a fashion disaster to make a point. It was a joke to him, something that made lying about his sexuality just a little bit easier, but Isak knew he was hurting. And the sight of his socked feet served as a fierce reminder of how he had the same choice to make soon. 

This wasn’t Oslo, this wasn’t the Seadogs, and these people weren’t his friends yet. Isak had had some hope about being able to date Even in public until he had found out about Eskild’s choice to remain silent about his own sexual identity. It wasn’t something Isak would have ever expected from him, and it had shut the door on any wishful thinking he had allowed himself. But Isak pushed the thought from his mind, took a sip of his protein shake, and watched Eskild laugh at his words. 

“Says the guy who has lived three quarters of his life in gym shorts and with his own name on his back,” Eskild reminded him. “You might as well have tattooed that little Seadog onto your chest already.”

Isak shrugged. He toyed with the joker print on his chest as if he had been called out. 

“Whatever, you can’t talk to me about style anymore,” Isak decided. He walked past Eskild into the hallway, but Eskild was right on his heels. 

“Oh come on, this is fun,” Eskild laughed. His little joke wasn’t fun to Isak. It was just another reminder that he couldn’t be himself here. Not just yet. When he didn’t reply, Eskild moved on to what Isak knew he was dying to talk about.

“So how was last night? Are you excited?” 

Isak couldn’t help but smile despite the obviously intrusive upcoming questions. “Of course I’m excited. Coming here is the best thing Even could’ve done.”

“I know,” Eskild nodded as he crossed the street and walked towards his car. The sun was already out and it made the sharp black paint look sparkly. “You were so moody. I hope getting laid is gonna fix your dopy face, your negative energy is infecting me. It’s like a virus.”

“I don’t have negative energy,” Isak protested weakly as he got into the car. He hadn’t told Eskild about the trial and everything else that was going on with Even. Nor what had made it so hard for him to appreciate training camp these last few days. He knew that the time had come to confide in him, but he wasn’t sure if it was his story to tell. Eskild of course knew about what had happened between Even and his former coach, but not about Even’s decision to press charges.

People in Oslo knew as much as Eskild did by now. The ones that mattered, that was. Throughout the year, Even had sat the Seadogs down in one incredibly tense team meeting and come forward about what had made it so hard for him to adapt to the team. It had sent the whole team spiraling into a few emotional weeks while everyone had worked through the news in their own way, but they had come out stronger after it. They had gone through a losing streak of six games that had almost cost them their spot in the playoffs. But once they had qualified Even had yelled at them for a good 20 minutes about getting their head back into the game and getting back at the Sharks and to stop pitying him and that had been it.

They spent the car ride with Isak looking out the window and avoiding intrusive questions from Eskild about how last night had gone. Isak hadn’t ever been close enough to him to talk about his sex life, but now that Eskild had decided he was, he was definitely starting to get on Isak’s nerves with it. But he guessed it was better than the awkwardness of beating around the bush about his relationship that came with talking to some Seadogs and people in his classes back in Oslo. Still, he didn’t need to tell Eskild how they hadn’t really done much last night, or how neither of them had entirely been in the mood for it.

However, when they got to the rink, Isak was smiling. As much as Eskild bothered him at times, especially as a roommate, he was growing more and more fond of him. They parted ways when Eskild went to drop off his stuff in his office and Isak went into the changing room. He found about half his team there, chattering away, filling water bottles, and being lazy for just a few more minutes.

Once he was dressed he checked his phone and saw that Even had sent him a good morning text. He smiled at the screen and sent him a quick snap of the giant joker that had been painted on the floor of the locker room. While the Seadogs had had separate locker rooms for the ice and the gym, Jokerit had one single space that was about three times as big as what Isak was used to. There wasn’t only the enormous room with their stalls and gear, but also two lounges with TV sets and couches for when they reviewed game tapes and hung out. 

Once the picture was sent, Isak looked up to find his fellow prospect, Adam Malik, who occupied the stall to his left, laughing at him. 

“Impressing your girlfriend?” he chirped and jerked his chin towards the floor Isak had just taken a picture of. It was custom not to step on the locker room team logos, as they were pretty much sacred and superstition said it was bad luck. The Seadogs hadn’t had theirs painted on the floor, and seeing the joker here had been the first time Isak had really realized that this was a KHL team. One that had a sacred logo.

Isak shrugged. He wasn’t gonna go as far as pretending that Even was really called Evana and get caught up in a lie about his hot girlfriend that would haunt him all year until he eventually faked their breakup. But he wasn’t gonna call him his friend either. He hadn’t decided on what he was going to do, so he kept it vague. Adam didn’t need to know who he was texting.

“Well, it is impressive,” he said. No confirmation, no denial. This was good. 

“I know,” Adam nodded and pulled his yellow shirt over his head to exchange it for a muscle top. “Still can’t quite believe it.” He lowered his voice. “That’s Nikolai fucking Magnusson over there. And I played on a line with him yesterday.” He shook his head in disbelief, while Isak followed his gaze over to their captain who was talking in quiet and stern Finnish to one of their physios. Magnusson was one of the players they all looked up to. He had been a first draft pick four years ago and had played for Finland during worlds last year. 

Isak gave an agreeing hum. “Yeah. I don’t know what I’d do if I’m sent home,” he said and took a drink. His phone vibrated with an answering text in his hand. 

“No use in thinking about it,” Adam shrugged. “Let’s team up for work outs, yes?”

Isak nodded but automatically searched the room for Simen, as Adam and he had been inseparable so far. Both Finns, both from the same college team, both prospects for Jokerit. He didn’t see him though, and so he checked his phone one last time while Adam got up and slapped him hard with his towel as he walked by laughing. 

His phone showed him Even’s naked chest as he was tanning on Eskild’s balcony. Fuck. They should have used the time they had had alone together last night better than they had. It had been important to talk things out, yes, but Isak could also feel himself hardening in his sweats at the sight of Even being all stretched out and beautiful in the sun. He cursed the weeks they had gone without each other for having made him desperate and constantly on edge. He sighed and got up, not even bothering with a reply that would surely get him more teasing from Even and distract him all day. 

It turned out that teaming up with Adam was the best thing Isak could have done. They stuck together during their work out, team meeting, lunch at some burger bar, and were eventually put on a line for scrimmage together in the afternoon with Mutta. Mutta had lost one of his linemates in a trade to St Petersburg this year and Coach was using training camp to shuffle people around and figure out new constellations more than anything. He wasn’t shy about ripping them all apart and expected them to be able to play with just about anyone, which was definitely the way it should be, but Isak was still intimidated. He was used to playing with the same D partner and the same guys on their forward lines for years until someone graduated. 

He didn’t know if it was the fact that Mutta and Adam were simply an amazing pairing for him, or if it was the sight of Even sitting up in the stands during practice, wearing a Jokerit snapback he had to have gotten at the fanshop outside, but Isak felt like he was flying. For the first time he didn’t have to think about his new position but felt like it came naturally to him. It all fell into place as they yelled and cursed on the ice for an hour, sweating and fighting, and Isak felt himself smiling up at Even once he was done. After, they listened to Coach tell them they had been doing okay in a monotone voice. He still needed Mutta’s translations, as he yet again didn’t bother to switch to English.

Isak almost forgot about his meeting with whoever Sana Bakkoush was. He wanted to see Even and finally show him around, but instead Even went home with Eskild after practice. Even had known that Isak would be busy and the way he happily waved at Isak from the stands didn’t suggest that he minded waiting around like this, but Isak still kind of hated it. He rushed into the locker room and hoped to avoid questions about who was visiting him, but of course he couldn’t. 

It was Mutta who poked his stick against Isak’s calf as he walked behind him through the tunnel underneath the stadium. 

“You having friends over from Oslo?” he asked as he took off his helmet and shook his shaggy wet hair out of his face. 

No. Not a friend. But Isak still didn’t know how to deal with this, hadn’t made up his mind about whether he would dare tell his teammates about Even, and he wasn’t going to do it on the third day of training camp. Still, he had to make friends here, and Mutta was nice enough to ask, so he couldn’t just ignore the question. 

“Even,” he said after a way too long pause and just the sound of his name felt dangerous. He hadn’t said his name out loud yet in the Hartwall Arena that was home to Jokerit. “He played on a line with me in Oslo.” 

It wasn’t a lie but it was also obviously not the entire truth. Even wasn’t his D partner now and he didn’t play on a team with him either, so none of that mattered. It wasn’t why he was here. But Mutta grinned at him and nodded in easy acceptance. There was no reason for him not to buy this.

“Cool. Bring him some time when we hang out, do you guys have plans yet?” Mutta continued giving Isak a rundown of Helsinki’s best places to go while they hit the showers together and only left him once they got dressed and would have to yell through the locker room to keep their conversation up. Isak’s heart was beating fast and he was more exhausted from their conversation than he was from hockey. It hadn’t even really been about Even, but it had been enough. It left Isak’s head spinning. It hadn’t been that much of a task to not overshare, he didn’t even have to lie about Even, but the simple fear of fucking up and giving himself away reminded him painfully of those first few weeks of dating Even in secret in Oslo. 

Isak knew he didn’t want this, knew that it was going to suck and make him feel awful. But for now it was this or coming out to a room full of strangers who had yet to decide whether they were going to make him part of their team or not. Sure, in the end it wasn’t the players’ choice, but if they didn’t want him there, it would make playing with them impossible and there would be no way Isak would make it through training camp. He was already not one of the most promising prospects. 

He knew that Adam was. Then there were two other Finnish guys Isak was fairly certain had secured themselves a spot on the rooster. Which meant that there were maybe two more spots and Isak hadn’t turned any heads so far. He had been good today, but good wasn’t enough. He hadn’t stood out. The last thing he needed was to finally draw their attention only by talking about his boyfriend. It wasn’t the time yet, if it was ever going to be. 

Once outside the rink he dropped his bag to the ground and looked around. There was no agent in sight. No one waiting for him. Still he denied Adam’s offer of a ride home. He noticed Simen’s absence yet again and finally learned that apparently he had been asked to see Coach earlier today. Him not showing up for practice wasn’t a good sign. Adam seemed to have realized the same thing throughout the day, as he seemed a lot more grave now than he had this morning. 

Isak exchanged a few words with his line mate from today as he watched the rest of the team clear out and then he was left on his own. Alone except for someone leaning against the metal barricades that were brought out when the arena was filled with people, to let the crowd in safely. 

Sana Bakkoush was eyeing him suspiciously, or Isak supposed she was, as he couldn’t quite tell through her large sunglasses. She was holding a cup of what looked like iced tea and was clad entirely in black except for her bright yellow hijab. Had she not had her eyes focused on him in an intense way, he wouldn’t have ever associated her with the woman who claimed to be his agent. But it had to be her. There was no one else around. When he turned his head just to check she gave him an exasperated sigh, pursed her lips, and finally walked towards him. 

“Isak Valtersen.” It wasn’t a question but a statement. A statement she made in Norwegian. “I’m Sana Bakkoush. If you’re smart, you’ll sign a contract with me as your agent.” 

She didn’t offer her hand to him in greeting so he didn’t go for it either. This had to be a joke. Isak didn’t know what he had expected, but not someone who couldn’t be more than a handful of years older than him and yet was this full of themselves. He watched her suck on her straw and empty the cup of iced tea in her hand while staring him down from behind her enormous sunglasses. 

“I...” Isak began. “What is this? What agency are you working for? Since when do you approach players?”

Sana cocked her head at him as if considering his questions but then simply walked past him and towards a trash can to throw out her plastic cup. When she turned around again, her face was harsh and determined.

“Look. I am the agency. There’s no headquarters, no fancy office and benefits or whatever your pampered little teammates get. But I want you to consider this.” She walked towards him again and came to a halt right in front of him. “Isak Valtersen. The gay hockey player from nowhere,” she held up her finger when Isak opened his mouth to protest, “yes, Oslo is nowhere when it comes to the KHL. The gay hockey player from nowhere who’s linked to his out and proud boyfriend who will, in a few weeks, drag your pathetic college league into the biggest scandal it has ever seen and talk about sexual assault among male athletes when our world isn’t even ready to face the fact that everyone deserves to exist.”

Isak closed his mouth. She knew. Slowly but surely her words made their way through to him. And they became more terrifying by the second. 

“Isak,” Sana continued. “I’m gonna call you Isak because we will be working closely together. You’ll be lucky if you find an agency that’s willing to work with you in two weeks. Once that trial takes off you’ll be a part of that whether you want to be or not. You chose that the day you allowed there to be pictures of you kissing your boyfriend at centre ice. You came out, there’s no taking that back. Once your name makes it onto the Jokerit roster for real, people are gonna dig deep, they’re gonna know things about you, about where you come from, and you and Even, you’re gonna be linked. Forever. I don’t know if you realize what he’s breaking lose right now with that court order, but it’s big. And it’ll end your career before it’s even started. Unless you sign me.”


	5. Chapter 5

Of course none of what Sana had said was news to Isak. He wasn’t stupid. Maybe naive, yes, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t thought of these things. Of how much shit he was going to go through in the next few weeks no matter how he planned on approaching it. It was the main reason why he had been hesitant to find himself an agent. He knew that whoever would be working with him had to know these things about him. And they had to be willing to navigate around all of that to make sure Isak got his contract. Preferably one that reflected his skills on the ice and not on who made him come.

He had known that it would be close to impossible. Had he gotten drafted into the GET league like he had hoped, and somehow expected, maybe it would have gone alright. It most likely would have. There still would have been bad press, it still would have sucked, but being the first gay hockey player in the Norwegian league could have also been a step forward, something people celebrated. Maybe not necessarily the gruff guys in the dressing rooms and the people in suits managing them, but the general public in Norway might have just been supportive enough to make it a good story. One an agent might know how to market. 

But this was the KHL. It was harder for two reasons. The first one was money. There was so much more at stake in a league like this. Everything was happening on a bigger scale, since the next step up was the NHL, the biggest league in the world. There was more press, more charity, more pressure. There had never been a player that had come out. The second reason was politics. The KHL consisted of mainly Russian teams, and Isak didn’t even want to think about what it would be like for him on away games in Moscow, St Petersburg, or Minsk.

“How do you know all those things about me?” he asked Sana. It was the first thing he needed to know. As far as he knew, Coach had no idea about his personal life, but if it was apparently this obvious to the hockey world, how sure could he really be?

Sana made an exasperated sound. “Come on. All it takes is a google search. It’s all there.”

Isak was well aware of that. Him coming out obviously hadn’t gone unnoticed by the public. He had been more than annoyed by the way reporters had seemed to always find a way to try and make him talk about Even. By the way their relationship had seemed to be squeezed into every article about him. But Norway was subtle, and in the end it hadn’t been half as bad as he had expected it to be. It was all there, out in the open, but it hadn’t been a huge scandal or anything. Some local tabloids, some social media accounts talking about him having a boyfriend, but it hadn’t blown up. Not on the big screens. Their league just hadn’t been big enough for that. There simply was not enough press coverage and interest.

“I know it’s there, but why do all the research? Why me?”

The real question he wanted to ask was ‘who else has done this?’. He didn’t particularly care that Sana knew. What he would care about was his team and his coaching staff. Had they ever bothered to look? It wasn’t really their department, what they should be interested in were his files and his video tapes. But there was no way Isak could be sure. He had been invited to prospect and training camp so the answer was most likely right there. No one knew, or otherwise he wouldn’t be here. He had been perfectly happy with living in ignorant bliss, but having the severity of his situation thrown into his face like this unsettled him. He had been incredibly stupid to think that by leaving Oslo he could also leave behind his coming out and live somewhere else without anyone knowing.

For the first time, Sana hesitated. She looked at him for a long moment as if in contemplation, but then she caught herself and she was right back to firing at him. 

“What’s it to you? I’m offering my help here. And like I said, I’m most likely the only one to do so. You can take it or leave it, but leaving it also means leaving Jokerit, trust me. There’s no way you’re gonna get your contract once the trial takes off and inevitably news reaches your coach. You need a manager to deal with this. An agent.”

“I know I do,” Isak said. He was getting rather tired of Sana speaking to him like he wasn’t aware of any of this. “And I’m not saying you’re wrong, but why do you care?”

“Oh I don’t care,” Sana immediately said. “Not about you anyway. I care about my company. And you’ll make good money one day.”

Isak only frowned at her. She still hadn’t taken off her sunglasses and there was a sly grin playing on her lips now. He didn’t trust her. Nothing about her being here made any sense at all. 

“Any of the players inside this building are gonna make an agent good money. They already do.” He pointed at Hartwall Arena behind her back. “You just told me how much of a lost cause I am, how is that going to reflect well on you? It’s just shitty work.”

“True,” Sana nodded. “So you should be glad I’m offering.”

He wasn’t going to get an answer to any of his questions, not like this. She was right, and there weren’t a lot of other options, but what was he supposed to do with this?

“I am,” he carefully said. “But I need to consider this. How do I know you’re even legit? Who do you work for? Who else have you signed?”

The answer came promptly.

“You’d be the first. I’m starting my own agency; there’s not much I can tell you. But Isak,” she took another step closer so that she was in his space. “You can trust me. I promise you I will throw myself out there for you and get you the best contract you can possibly ask for. I have your coach doing what I want. All you need to do is play and do what I tell you when it comes to press.”

Isak was beginning to sweat. It was a warm day and the sun was shining down on them relentlessly. He didn’t know how Sana looked perfectly put together in all that black. His own shirt was starting to stick to his back. However, it wasn’t only due to the heat. He didn’t know how to deal with this, he was in over his head. She was right, but it would also be incredibly stupid to trust someone who had no experience with his career.

“I know you talked to Coach,” he eventually said. “How did you do that?” 

“I called.”

Sana had to know he had meant something else, that he had wanted to know how she had gotten on Coach’s good side this easily, but he knew she wasn’t going to tell him. It was either trust her blindly or walk away without an agent and poor chances of ever finding one. 

“You’re Norwegian,” he noted. As if she wasn’t aware. The eye roll his remark got him said the same thing. But to Isak’s surprise, Sana gave him more than that.

“Hamar. My brother is friends with Yousef Acar.”

Finally at least a part of Sana being here seemed to fall into place. Yousef Acar, the Sharks captain. Or former captain, as he had graduated along with Isak this year. And he was the only other Norwegian player that had gotten drafted into the KHL. As far as Isak knew, he was currently training with SKL Saint Petersburg. So this wasn’t as random as he had thought it was. It eased some of the terror that had started to spread within him, but he still frowned at Sana. 

“What does Yousef have to do with this?”

“Nothing,” Sana sighed. Isak could tell she was growing frustrated with him. “It’s how I know about you. About Even’s trial. I didn’t just randomly look up college players, I knew you’d need an agent and I needed a player, so here we go.” 

“So you followed me to Helsinki to sign me without ever having talked to me? You talked to my Coach without meeting me first?”

Sana threw her hands up into the air. “Are you trying to make me change my mind? Because it is working. I thought you were smarter than this. Isak,” she said again, pinching the bridge of her nose as if he was causing her real pain. “Look, I know what I’m doing. I majored in this, my dad manages the Sharks, I grew up with hockey just like you did. And still I’m not going to get a job in the industry the same way you’re not going to get a spot on that roster. Because I am a muslim woman and you are a gay man. Work with me and we’ll both prove them wrong.”

She finally took off her sunglasses to look him right in the eyes. Dark black lines surrounded hers and it made her look fierce. She was intimidating as much as she was infuriating. But Isak was starting to see her point. He looked back at her but after a few moments he lowered his gaze. There was something about her that made him uneasy, but he quite liked the idea of her making everyone who was potentially involved with his contract feel the same way. 

Eventually, he cleared his throat and asked, sarcasm dripping heavy from his voice: “So you have a master plan that doesn’t involve me having to talk about Even and the trial at panels? A way to not get beat up in dark alleys after practice, or how to avoid getting a shiner at every game while making half as much as my teammates because I have a boyfriend at home? You can get me out of all of that and make sure that what happened in Oslo stays in Oslo?” 

To his confusion, Sana smiled at him, almost sweetly. It was only when she opened her mouth that he realized that she was making fun of him.

“No,” she simply said. Then she dropped her smile as abruptly as she had put it on. “I told you, you came out, there’s no way to take that back. But I can fix your contract. And I can get it ready before any of this blows up. I can make sure it’s not the first thing people learn about you. Maybe make them like you before the bomb drops. I can give you a good publicity plan to buy you time to prove yourself at training camp. Once you step on the ice as a KHL player, you’re out. People are stupid about a lot of things, but not about pointing their fingers at what makes you different. They won’t ignore who you were in Oslo.”

It pained Isak that he had to agree. He hadn’t ever expected to be able to just lie about his sexuality and play in the KHL until he retired without ever having to worry about it. But he hadn’t thought it would be an issue before he had even signed a contract. He had expected to maybe play a year or two, prove himself on the ice, and then inevitably come out. At least he’d be someone by then. The scandal would be bigger, but it would also be harder to get rid of him. But this? This all happened sooner than he had expected, and now that Sana was throwing it at him like this, he no longer knew how he had ever been this naive.

“I’ll take whatever papers you have ready, I’ll find myself a lawyer and have a look at them. And then I’ll let you know.”

It was the best he could do for now. He wanted to talk to Even about this, maybe call his old coach, get some opinions. He wasn’t alone any longer, people knew about him and Even, and he could make use of that. Apparently it was enough for Sana. 

“You’d be stupid to sign this right away, get yourself a lawyer,” she agreed as she pulled a thin folder of papers out of her purse. “I’ll be expecting your call.”

Isak took the contract from her and as soon as he had done so, she was already walking past him with a smug smile.

“Don’t think for too long. That rookie video they wanna do – they’re gonna ask about Even, I promise. You made a mistake by allowing him to come here.”

Isak didn’t know what to say to her and she was already walking away from him and towards a shiny black car. For a moment Isak just stood there and watched her get in, reapply her lipstick behind the wheel, and take off to the sound of something that reminded Isak of Jonas’ locker room soundtrack. 

Her last words stuck with him. But no matter what Sana had said, Even being here didn’t feel like a mistake. Isak wanted nothing more than to go home and talk to him, be with him, touch him. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy Helsinki, he had to finally own up to that, but he was also realizing that he was in over his head and he needed Even as much as Even needed him right now.

Playing hockey was the only part he still felt comfortable about. He didn’t know a thing about what would be expected of him off the ice. All he knew was that it was going to be a lot. He wasn’t going to just be a player, he would also be a public figure. He’d have his own wikipedia page and social media and sticks to sign. And he had his past that he had no idea how to work with. Let alone the trial. 

He took another long look at the arena in front of him. He wanted this. Jokerit practiced in an underground training arena, but he had seen the real thing. The arena they would play their games in. The ice he’d step on if he made the team. It was about four times the size of the Seadogs’ simple rink with two ice areas, one for hockey and one for the figure skaters. Hartwall was gigantic. There was an entire floor dedicated to press events. And as much as Isak wanted to be on the ice, he couldn’t just ignore that other part of it. And he would need help with it. A lot of help. 

But maybe Sana wasn’t the right person if she didn’t understand how important it was for Even to be here right now. If she expected him to make decisions solely based on what was good for his career and not based on what he needed to actually enjoy it. But would any other agent be more understanding? If he was going to be a professional athlete, his private life would have to come second, no one was going to tell him otherwise. 

Still, Sana’s last words rubbed Isak the wrong way. He hadn’t made a mistake. Today had been his best day at training camp by far. He had played well, he had found enough energy to actually connect with his team. Seeing Even up in the stands, knowing he wasn’t miles and miles away from him going through the worst thing life had ever put him through, but right there for Isak to smile at and kiss tonight – it had made it all so much better. It had taken a heavy weight off of his shoulders to be able to talk to Even in person even if they weren't in the best place right now, and if Sana couldn’t see that his performance on the ice depended on his personal life, then maybe she wasn’t the person for him. 

Slowly, Isak turned back around and put the arena behind him. He didn’t have to decide right now. But still he couldn’t stop thinking about it during the 25 minutes it took him to walk home. He could have called Even to come and give him a ride, but by the time he would have made it through traffic, Isak would have been home. And he had never minded walking. For a second he considered turning it into a run, but his duffel bag was heavy with his skates he’d decided to take home for cleaning. 

So instead he walked and on the way tried to imagine what Eva would do. What Jonas would do. Magnus. Vilde. Everyone he had left behind in Oslo and couldn’t just drop his heavy questions on right now. Well, he could call, but it was different these days. And he had to figure out how to do long distance. 

The first few days of prospect camp he had spent on skype, which had isolated him from the team and resulted in him feeling even more homesick. After that he had tried to limit the amount of time he spent online, while also dividing his time equally amongst everyone. It had been harder than he had expected it to be. Especially when Even had still been in Oslo and had called him basically every day and demanded hours of his time.

Isak didn’t think Magnus minded it much, since he was dealing with his own long distance relationship. He had failed not only one but three of his classes which had pushed his graduation back an entire year. He wasn’t unhappy though, as it gave him another year with the Seadogs and therefore another year in which he could get used to playing left wing, as he had started doing last year, before he could give the GET league a chance. 

Vilde wasn’t a big issue either, since Isak hadn’t ever really been that close to her. He knew that Even had hung out with her even more than before once he had left for Helsinki, and he had known what she had been up to through him. 

But he missed Eva and Jonas. Who apparently didn’t feel the same way. His conversations with Eva had become less and less frequent over the summer. She had been busy traveling and slowly but surely getting obsessed with being Noora’s new best friend, regardless of how she had briefly dated Jonas last season and kind of fucked Isak over with the whole William thing. Isak didn’t know what to think of it, but he knew what Vilde thought of it which was nothing good. He hadn’t talked to Jonas much after he had left either, but for an entirely different reason. 

It was no good to obsess over it all though, he thought. His friends were in Oslo and he was here, it was what it was. What he needed to focus on was thinking over the Sana thing, playing the best hockey he could, and being there for Even.


	6. Chapter 6. Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I say this a lot, but it really means more than usual right now. I haven't truly realized how much the fandom has changed and how small the community has become until I started posting again. I know I am incredibly spoiled from when I was posting CFB1 and the fandom was thriving, so people moving on has been very hard for me as a writer and I've been struggling to stay motivated. It's difficult not to be discouraged by how many people have left and not to doubt myself and the story. I started out writing only for myself because there were literally no fics about SKAM, but I don't think anyone is immune to the need for validation, especially once you're successful with something. So to some degree I started counting on comments and asks to motivate me, and now that there are fewer people that are invested in the story, I also spend less time on it, because there's no pressure to write or post. It makes me sad that I have grown to depend on this validation so much and I am working hard to just write for myself again. But at the same time I want to really let you know just how much I appreciate every single thing you do for me. Sometimes I don't write for days and then a single ask makes me write three chapters in a row. Or a comment reminds me to actually post. These days, I literally forget about AO3 if I'm not reminded, simply because it's not what it used to be. And that's okay of course, I've also moved on to other fandoms and am writing for a different big bang right now. I don't mean to say that you're not doing enough! I really just want to tell the people that are still here and are still interacting how much you mean to me and how your kind words inspire and motivate me. I love you all and I hope that you'll stick with this story until the end XXX
> 
> on this note, WARNING for smut haha.

EVEN'S POV

 

“I sent you a few more links yesterday, did you see them?” Vilde asked him. Her voice went up an octave and he knew she was trying to be careful with him, watching her words the way she always did when they talked about the trial. On the screen of his phone she began twirling her white blonde hair around her index finger nervously.

“Not yet,” Even said. “I was kind of catching up with Isak.” 

“Yeah. Of course. How are things?”

The way she was asking already told him she knew things were at least tense. It wasn’t like they were fighting or in a bad place or anything. There was just a lot weighing down on their relationship right now. 

“You know,” he said vaguely. “He’s amazing. We just need to spend this time together. And I appreciate your help so much, but I feel like the trial is all I talk to him about these days. I just want to show him that I care about his life too, that it’s not all about me. I’ll check the links later, okay? Give me a day or two.”

Vilde had been nothing but amazing, and she was nodding enthusiastically now, too. She kept sending him links about previous trials that she had looked up, kept doing research for him and encouraged him to do the same. To not just accept the negative outcome his lawyer had basically promised him.

“You should spend time with Isak,” Vilde agreed. “Get the trial out of your head for a few days.” 

“I don’t know if I can,” he admitted. He ran his hand through his hair. He had opted for leaving it falling into his face today instead of putting in the effort to style it into his usual quiff. He leaned back on Isak’s bed until his back hit the wall and then steadied the phone on his knees. “How have you been?”

“Good,” Vilde immediately replied. She always did. It wasn’t like she didn’t tell him things, and it became easier and easier for Even to get her to talk to him, but it still took a lot of asking. 

“How are you and Eva?” 

“Good!”

He raised an eyebrow at her and she dropped her hand so that the strand of hair she had wrapped around it untangled itself in a quick motion. 

“I mean, I still think she’s being a bit weird. But if I ask her what’s up it’ll look like I’m hung up on everything that’s happened. I just want her back. The way it was when Isak lived with us, when it was the four of us hanging out.”

Even hummed in response. He missed it too. The few months between Christmas and the playoffs in which the four of them had found at least one evening a week to have dinner and catch up. Before Even and Isak had been too busy with playoff hockey. Before Vilde and Eva had finally attempted to go out and figured out rather quickly that it wasn’t meant to be. It hadn’t been a big surprise to anyone and neither of them was too upset about it, but it had still changed something. It was after they had laughed off their attempt at a first date, that Eva had hung around with Noora more often than not. And Even couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed in Eva after seeing how both Vilde and Isak missed her.

Even had to clear his voice before he spoke again. 

“I never thought I’d say this but I wish we would have gotten one more year like that. With the Seadogs and the way it all was. It ended too soon, didn’t it?” 

Vilde nodded. “Yeah. Chris moved his stuff out yesterday, so we have two empty rooms now.”

It was stupid how it made Even a little bit sad to know that the other empty room was Isak’s. He had personally helped Isak pack up and drop off everything he hadn’t been able to bring on the plane at his parents’ house for storage. It was the first time he had met them and Even had to say he was okay with it taking another year until he repeated the experience. They weren’t horrible, but they also weren’t nice. They were just kind of there. A little bit cold, a little bit disinterested, a little bit disengaged.

But now Isak’s room was empty. The room they had spent so many nights in together, and the thought of it filled Even with nostalgia. He could tell that for Vilde it was more the anxiety of having to make do with new roommates that unsettled her. For a while it had looked like Chris, just like Magnus, would remain with the Seadogs for another season due to study delay, but in the end he had graduated and been drafted to the GET league. He would play for Oslo this upcoming season, just like Isak would have done had the KHL not wanted him too.

“Do you know who’s going to move in yet?” 

“I haven’t heard anything,” Vilde said, and Even could tell how uneasy the prospect of not knowing who was going to live with her made her. 

“At least Eva is still there,” he tried and it got him a small smile. 

“Yeah. Although she’s gone most of the time.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out once the semester starts and there’s more of a routine again. Everyone’s busy during the summer.” 

Except for him, Even thought. Had he not had the coaching these last few weeks, skyping Isak and hanging out with Vilde would have been the only things on his agenda. It was his own fault. He had personally told Coach that he didn’t want to be drafted. That he didn’t plan on playing this next season. So now the trial was the only thing looming on the horizon like fucking Armageddon. Maybe it had been a stupid choice. But on the other hand he couldn’t imagine being in training camp somewhere right now. Not when his head was filled with everything he thought he had managed to bury last year. He had made a lot of stupid choices lately, deciding to confront it all instead of moving on and being happy.

He shoved the recurring thoughts of the trial away and instead concentrated on Vilde telling him about her plans for the new semester. While she did, he let his eyes wander through Isak’s room that was still mostly empty. It looked more like Eskild than like Isak. No pictures of him or Eva or Jonas anywhere, no books or films or even paperwork. The only things that really belonged to him were his dirty sweatpants and shirts that he left lying around everywhere. Apparently he still preferred to wear his Seadogs stuff at home rather than his new yellow and blue attire.

It wasn’t much longer until Even heard him come in the door and head straight for his room. He didn’t even knock, like he had forgotten that Even was there, but when he came in Even knew immediately that he hadn’t. Isak looked right at him, a look of relief on his face, and said: “Thank God. I thought you might have gone out or something.”

“Haven’t,” Even shook his head. “I’m facetiming Vilde.”

He jerked his chin at his phone in his left hand. 

“Okay, take your time,” Isak nodded. He wore gym shorts that hugged his thighs just right and a simple white Bauer shirt. Even felt hot all over just looking at him. It was evident that he had walked home in the sun, as his hair stuck to his forehead a bit and his cheeks were flushed not from exhaustion but from warmth.

“No, hold on.” Even turned to face the camera again while Isak pulled off his shirt right where he stood in the doorway and let it drop to the floor carelessly. For a second Even stared at him, at his defined chest and stomach, and he could already hear Vilde laugh nervously. There were still so many things that made her uncomfortable, and intruding on Isak and Even’s alone time was still among them.

“It’s okay, Even, go and be with Isak. We can talk when he’s at practice or something.”

“We will. I’ll call you tomorrow. Love you.” 

Isak walked over to the bed and waved at the camera as he squeezed himself onto the mattress right next to Even. He smelled good, just like he always did after hockey; a bit gross but just so much more Isak than when he came right from the shower. Even couldn’t love it any more than he did. 

They said their goodbyes to Vilde and Isak’s lips were on his before Even had even dropped the phone. He was straddling his thighs only a second later, his arms wrapped loosely around Even’s neck. Even smiled against his greedy lips.

“You were so good today,” Even told him and let his hands drop to his lower back and settle at his waistband. “I’ve missed watching you play.”

“You could have gotten that hat for free,” Isak mumbled, but it was a half hearted attempt at conversation. He was too busy kissing down Even’s neck and biting at his collarbone. Even groaned at the urgency behind Isak’s movements and lifted his hips up a bit to let him feel how he was hardening in his shorts. Isak moaned against his skin in response, his hands already roaming Even’s chest on their way down to the button of his pants.

“Wanna blow you,” he said right at his ear and a shiver ran down Even’s spine. He was definitely up for that. Apparently Isak had had the same thought as him. They needed to spend some time talking about something other than the obvious and more importantly, they needed to do something other than talk all the time, period. So he nodded, fast enough to make Isak laugh against his neck. 

Even pushed his hips up into Isak’s hands as they fumbled with his shorts, getting him unzipped. He groaned when Isak rubbed him over his boxers and bit at his neck at the same time, sucking at his skin mercilessly. It would bruise, but Even didn’t care. It had been so long, his cock was already pulsing under Isak’s palm. All he could do was close his eyes against the sensation of Isak’s fingers around him and his teeth grazing his skin, his hot mouth moving lower towards his chest. 

It made Even whine in complaint when Isak sank to the floor next to his bedside table, but the feeling of Isak mouthing at his clothed length made up for the loss of kisses. He didn’t know why Isak was still teasing him when his dick was already leaking into the fabric of his boxers and ready to blow the second Isak sucked him down. It had been weeks since they had done this, he didn’t need Isak to work him up. But he still loved every second of it, loved the question in Isak’s eyes when he looked up at him as he pulled down his boxers. 

Even hadn’t told him no often. But he had. And Isak had never stopped asking, had never stopped taking his time with him and making sure Even wasn’t thinking of someone else’s hands on him. Even could see the sexual frustration in Isak’s eyes now, the eagerness and want and ache for them to finally do this again. But he was still asking, and the realization hit him like a puck to the stomach without gear. He watched Isak lean forward and kiss his tip almost tenderly as the hand he didn’t have wrapped around Even’s shaft disappeared into his own sweats. His eyes fell close and he moaned around Even, the vibrations of it almost making him come. 

“Shit,” Even gasped and he couldn’t stop his hips from rising up to push into Isak’s eager mouth. He moved a hand to Isak’s hair, not to guide but simply to hold him, and when he dropped his fingers to Isak’s jaw he could feel him opening up for him as he swallowed him down. Hot shots of pleasure went through him and he moaned, almost overwhelmed by how all tension fell from his body and it made him shiver all over. There was only Isak’s mouth on him, nothing else, and Even had a hard time not pushing in too far and forcing himself down Isak’s throat. 

It didn’t take long. Not after Isak began working the base with his hand, racing past the beat of his heart, frantically and without any intent to make Even last. He took Even in deep and kept him there longer every time, slowing down the drag of his mouth over him to an almost unbearably slow pace that, combined with the merciless rhythm of his hand, pushed Even over the edge in no time. He cursed as he came down Isak’s throat, his hips bucking up against his will. For a second it felt like he passed out, his entire brain melted under the pleasure that went through him in spasms. 

Isak swallowed around him and when he finally pulled off, there was a smile on his face that made Even’s heart stumble. He dragged his hand through Isak’s damp hair, down his shoulder and to his biceps where he could feel the strain of him refraining from getting himself off just as fast. He leaned forward a bit to see how Isak’s hand was still wrapped around himself. He merely squeezed himself at the base though, too tightly, his fingers trembling and twitching with the need to move, but somehow he was holding himself back. The sight of his dark red head sent another spark of desire through Even and his dick twitched even as it softened against his thigh. 

“Come up here,” he rasped and pulled at Isak’s upper arm. Isak stumbled to his feet and Even grabbed him by the hips as soon as he could, pulling him in close so that he was stood right in front of him. He moved his hands to Isak’s backside and slid them inside his boxers as Isak hastily pushed at them at the front, just down his thighs. Isak was beautiful. Right in his face, flushed and dripping, rock hard and begging Even to touch him. Even watched him flex his hips twice and bite his lips as he waited, his eyes dropped down low to where Even lingered in front of him, waiting to take him in.

It was cruel, but Even still took a long moment to worship Isak with his eyes only. Then he leaned in to kiss his hip bone, right where his light pubic hair began tickling his chin. Isak’s dick rubbed against his cheek and Even could hear him whine above him. His hand came down to reach for himself, but Even simply took it in his and smiled up at Isak’s flushed face as he sucked at his skin, getting back at him for marking him up. 

Isak’s eyes fell closed, and a moan ripped through him as Even bit his right hip bone and then kissed his way over to his other side. He was trembling and apparently his knees were growing weak, as he brought his other hand up to Even’s shoulder to steady himself. 

“Even, come on,” he begged quietly, but the anticipation on his face, the tension in his stomach and the way his balls were swollen tight and heavy gave away the pleasure he felt at waiting. They had done this before, pushed Isak’s body to the limit and tested his patience, and Even knew how far he could go. So he simply looked up at him in reassurance and then kissed another light bruise into his thigh, his cheekbone pressing against his balls. He sucked and bit at the tight skin there and listened to Isak curse above him. 

He gave in when Isak’s fingernails bit into the skin at his shoulder and he swallowed something that sounded like a sob of his name. With a quick motion he pulled Isak in and directed him to the bed, pushing him down onto his back. 

“You want to?” he asked as he climbed on top of him to straddle his thighs, remembering the burst of affection that went through him every time Isak gave him the same question. But Isak only groaned and pushed up his hips, his dick painfully hard and precome kissing his lower stomach.

“Fuck you,” he gasped, but there was a smile on his face anyway as he pulled his forearm over his eyes in frustration. “Even, fuck.”

So Even sank down on him, no longer drawing it out. He had thought he knew by now how much teasing Isak could take, but he had underestimated how much strain five weeks of only his own hand had put on his boyfriend. Isak cursed and tensed after only a few seconds in which Even sucked in his cheeks and he could feel hot liquid flood his mouth. A fierce reminder of how he had never needed much. For a second he thought of how Isak had come with hardly a finger on him the first time they had done this and he gasped with the realization of how he was still like that, how he was still so easy for Even’s touch.

“Ah fuck,” Isak mumbled. “Been so long, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Even replied. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re desperate.” 

Isak seemed to be too weak to protest. He opened his mouth but only sighed. Then he pulled Even up and into a kiss. He smiled when he felt Even still half hard against his thigh. 

“I’m desperate, huh?” 

“And hot,” Even shrugged. He was still shivering, no longer with relief but with emotion. 

It was as easy as ever to do this with Isak, despite the fact that over the summer, he had yet again found himself caught up in his own head. This part at least, the part that didn’t involve him pushing into Isak, maybe even causing him a bit of pain or making him uncomfortable, pushing his body to the limit of what it could take before it all turned into pleasure, was still good. It was easy. So maybe all the hours he had spent contemplating how to tell Isak that maybe he wouldn’t be up for anything else at the moment had been a waste of his time. Maybe they would be just fine like this. 

Isak looked blissed out, his hair a mess, his skin glistening, and Even took a moment to memorize him like this. There was no pain, no fear, no shame when he touched him. He didn’t make Isak feel any of the things he had been forced to live through over and over again in preparation for the trial. This was different, and Even made a point of consciously telling himself that.

“Talk to me,” Isak pulled him out of his thoughts. His eyes were searching now, maybe for answers, maybe just for reassurance. So Even buried his face in the crook of Isak’s neck and kissed his hot skin right there. 

“You need a shower. I’ll fix dinner,” he said. He didn’t want to ruin yet another moment by talking about the goddamn trial and how it was on his mind yet again. When Isak furrowed his brows he simply kissed him again. He kissed him until Isak was grinding up against him again, lazily and with no intention to go any further, but enough to make Even dizzy with how much he loved him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you a thousand times for you incredible replies on the last chapter. It made me really emotional to see that you're still reading and enjoying the story, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me! Lot and and lots of love to you all xxx

Isak was glad for today’s schedule regardless of how early he had to get up. He had his physical exam right before an unusual morning practice, which would give him a rare afternoon off. It was Even’s third day in Helsinki and he still hadn’t seen anything, so they were going to catch a ride into town with Eskild after his hour on the ice. Isak thought of what sights to show Even and where to get him the best coffee as he waited outside the door for his physio to call him in. 

While Eskild had taken care of all the Seadogs last year, Jokerit had a whole set of physios that tended to their every need. For their weekly check ups, Eskild had been assigned the defense lines. Isak would only see him if he ever got seriously injured and needed intensive care by multiple physios. He had been a bit disappointed to hear that he wasn’t going to be one of Eskild’s players, but it wasn’t a big deal. Isak’s first physical at prospect camp had gone alright so he wasn’t worried. It was just routine and he didn’t need it to be Eskild. 

Although Isak was only his second player today, Kemppi, his new physio, was running behind. By the time the door opened and Nikolai Magnusson stepped out of his office, Isak had just started to type out a lengthy message to Jonas to kill some time. He shoved his phone back into the pocket of his sweatpants without hitting ‘send’ when his captain emerged from the room. 

“Morning,” Isak said in broken Finnish. He couldn’t deny that he felt a bit starstruck in the presence of Magnusson. He was large and intimidating, but more importantly, he was a menace on the ice. But he was going to have to get over himself if he were to make the team, he thought, and so Isak gave him a smile. 

“All good?” He could have said that much in Finnish but opted for English. 

Magnusson gave him a serious nod. “Nothing that can’t be fixed it in time for the preseason games next week. Anything bothering you?” 

Isak shook his head no. “Never been better.”

“Good,” Magnusson nodded. “Tell me if anything changes. I’m here to help.”

There was something so authoritarian about him that Isak could only nod in return. His words had been kind but he had the same way about him that Coach had, which made him sound too serious. Isak had no doubt about why he had been made captain, he would carry them through the season without a question. But besides hockey, Isak still didn’t know what to think of him. Whether to trust him or not. He was still thinking about what else to say when Magnusson told him he’d see him on the ice later and turned to leave. 

When Kemppi called him into his office, Isak was still staring after his captain. He was still getting used to having a captain again after so recently being one himself. But it was even weirder to not know the guys on his team at all. Not to trust them. It made him miss the Seadogs all over again and he remained silent for the first part of his physical, lost in thought about his old team. 

Kemppi was quite a few years older than Eskild, his hair grey and thin and his glasses a bit out of style. He asked Isak the usual questions about drug use, his drinking habits, any problems he’d been having, took some blood, and made him twist and turn to test his agility and flexibility. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him and Kemppi kept nodding approvingly as he wrote things down. Isak didn’t bat an eye when he asked him to take off his shirt. He knew the procedure, he had probably had his back and neck examined a thousand times by now. 

But he had forgotten about Even’s urgent lips on him the night before. About the deep purple marks that disappeared into his briefs and told a story he would never have found words for to tell anybody else. Now it was written all over his body and Isak could tell that Kemppi was reading him like a book. The way he stopped in his tracks for a second when he put his hands on Isak’s collarbone, his eyes cast low. 

Isak could feel his face warming up and he shifted around a bit helplessly. There was no use in trying to cover up now so he forced himself to keep his hands where they were and refrained from pulling up his shorts just a bit more, or letting his fingers rest over the evidence Even had left on him. 

Fuck, he should have been so much smarter, should have told Even to drop it. But he had started it. He had been so damn desperate yesterday when he had gotten home, riled up by everything that had happened throughout the day, all the frustration and the adrenaline that had built up inside him during his meeting with Sana had needed an outlet. And it had been five goddamn weeks. He hadn’t wanted to think about anything other than Even’s body underneath his touch, Even’s hands on him. There was nothing wrong with being with him, and yesterday had been one of these days where he had needed that reassurance more than ever. It shouldn’t be anyone’s business who he was kissing. So he had turned off his brain and it was biting him in the ass now.

Isak took a deep breath. It was a physical exam so there should be no judgement, he told himself. And he was a young hockey player, it was probably no surprise to Kemppi that he was getting laid. He didn’t ever have to know who had put those marks there. In the back of his head he could hear Sana’s words though, about how there was no taking back his coming out, about how Even being here was a mistake, about how people would dig deep. He kept his eyes fixed to the model of something that could be kneecaps on Kemppi’s desk while he worked and ran his hands over Isak’s upper body in a methodical way. 

Eventually, when Kempii reached his groin and began to apply pressure to the muscles Even had worshipped last night, the physio cleared his throat. 

“Was there any heavy drinking involved in this… adventure? Anything I should know about?”

Isak swallowed hard. “No.”

“I assume you don’t need certain pamphlets?”

“No.” Isak’s face was burning. 

Kemppi finally took his hands off of Isak in a way that seemed to say that they were done. He remained close though and made sure to catch Isak’s eyes when he said: “I’ve seen a lot of rookies come and go. The ones that party it up are usually the ones that go. You’re a big shot now, I get it. Don’t let it go to your head.”

“No, I...” Isak grabbed his shirt a bit too hastily. “There was no party. Just… I’m in a relationship, long distance and all. Just visiting.”

How he hated dancing around pronouns again. He fiercely wished he had remained a defense player just so that he could have done all of this with Eskild. They would have laughed it off and no questions would have been raised. Sure, he would have never heard the end of it and probably found concealer in his bathroom cabinet the next day, but at least he wouldn’t have been offered STD pamphlets. 

Kemppi nodded but didn’t say anything else about it, and Isak was glad. 

“You’re all set. Be back next week. And good luck.”

Hastily, Isak thanked his physio and rushed out the door, his face still burning. When he did, he almost ran straight into someone who was standing close to the door. It wasn’t one of his teammates waiting for Kemppi though, but Even, reading the sign on the wall right next to the office. Isak’s skates were hanging off of his shoulder in the bag he had brought home yesterday. 

“There you are,” Even beamed. “Thought you might need these.” He gave the bag a little shake and let it drop to the floor by Isak’s feet. 

He didn’t lean in to kiss him, didn’t even come close enough to touch, but Isak still looked around the hallway to see if they were alone. They were, even though technically someone should be waiting for their physical. All the same, his heart was racing, telling him that Even being here wasn’t a good idea. He hated it. All of it. Feeling like he had to hide again the way he had when they had first started to spend time together. He had the awful sensation of going backwards, back to a place where he no longer wanted to be. 

But he also didn’t have it in him to break the spell and lean in and kiss Even good morning like he would have done had this been the Seadogs’ rink. Instead he forced himself to smile and took the bag. 

“Thanks, I would have been fucked. How did you find me?”

“I knew you had your physical, asked around a bit for the offices. Are you not with Eskild?” He jerked his chin at the label next to the door that had Kemppi’s name on it.

Isak shook his head in answer to the question but at the same time asked: “They just let you in like this?”

He didn’t really listen though when Even explained something about stretching the rights his VIP pass from watching practice yesterday gave him. He could hear the door opening behind him and froze on the spot. Even stopped mid sentence to smile at Kemppi when he stepped out into the hallway with a searching look. 

“Where the hell is Tatouti? And you’re not a player, clear out.” He pointed his finger at Even and Isak couldn’t tell how serious he really was.

He couldn’t even think straight enough to reply. All he could do was stare at the bright red mark on Even’s neck that was clearly visible just above the collar of his shirt. Shit shit shit. To his horror, Even extended his hand to the physio, smiling brightly. 

“Sorry, I’m with Isak,” Even smiled. “Visiting from Oslo. He left his skates this morning, I’ll be out in a minute.” 

He jerked his chin at the bag to Isak’s feet and shook the physio’s hand. Isak could only watch as the man’s eyes fell on the mark on Even’s neck as he shifted, then to the bag on the floor, and finally to Isak’s chest. He couldn’t tell if it was merely recognition or horror that spread on his face, but it was definitely nothing he wanted to deal with. He felt sick at the sight of Kemppi’s widening eyes, the way Even narrowed his in confusion. 

“Let’s go,” Isak mumbled and grabbed Even by one arm and his bag with the other. All he wanted was to get out. There was no explaining this, and fuck it, he didn’t have to. He hadn’t done anything wrong. 

To his relief, Even went with him without asking any questions. At least until they were back on the ground floor where they had to switch elevators down to the practice rink and the changing rooms. Isak pressed the button three times in a row and he could feel Even’s eyes on him as he did. But it was only when they stepped into the elevator and they were alone that Even put his arms around Isak’s neck to make him look at him and asked: “What just happened?”

There was real confusion on Even’s face and Isak only sighed. He twisted out of Even’s reach and leaned his back against the mirrored wall of the elevator before he pulled up the hem of his shirt to reveal the bruises to him. 

“Imagine seeing this on me, and that on you,” he reached for Even’s neck to run his finger over his marked skin, “hearing you talk about how we woke up together, how you’re visiting me all the way from Oslo. Fuck, I even said ‘relationship’.” 

He didn’t have to say anything else and Even only made a little sound of annoyance and rolled his eyes. Isak didn’t know if it was directed at him, at Kemppi, or the situation itself. But it made him mad anyway, like Even being annoyed with this gave him permission to feel the same way. 

“It shouldn’t be a big deal,” Even complained, but they both knew it didn’t matter. To some people it was, and it was hard to tell what group of people Kemppi belonged to. Isak knew that Even was just as tired as he was of having to figure that question out over and over again. Maybe even more so. Isak had always been more careful than him, more sensitive to how people might see them. He still hated to admit it, but in a way he could see why it would throw people off. To some extent, he understood the alienation, having felt it himself almost his entire life. Even on the other hand, had always been a step ahead of him, exasperated by how it even had to be an issue. 

“I don’t wanna go back to dealing with all of this,” Isak said as the door of the elevator opened to the sound of someone announcing the floor in Finnish. “We already did all of this last year, I’m not starting over.”

Even picked his bag up from the floor for him and stepped out of the elevator first. 

Then he said: “I know. Feels like all the crap from last year just comes back around. Every single thing.”

Isak knew that he wasn’t just referring to their relationship and the way they had to keep quiet about it in Helsinki. It had been more than a year since Even’s coach had put his hands on him, and they were still talking about it daily. These days he even had to go out there and talk to strangers about it. He would have to face his former coach in court and Isak couldn’t even imagine what kind of thoughts he was battling right now. Just like he had done last year around this time. He remembered fighting Even about it, about how he dealt with his trauma, about how they dealt with the secrecy around their relationship. He wasn’t gonna let either of these things mess them up again.

So he stepped out of the elevator after Even and looked around the empty hallway they were in. He was early for practice and had another 30 minutes before other players would show up, either coming straight from Kemppi or from home.

“Come on, I’ll show you the locker rooms,” he said, a bit defeated in a weak attempt to change the subject. But instead of moving he stepped into Even’s space and leaned his head against his warm chest for a moment. “We’re doing this together this time, right?” he mumbled into the fabric of his shirt and he could feel Even’s arms tightening around him. 

“We are. We’ll be fine.” 

Even sounded like he was sure of it, and his certainty settled something in Isak that helped him breathe a bit more easily. He placed a quick kiss on his cheek before he stepped back and headed towards the locker rooms with Even following behind.


	8. Chapter 8. Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me ages because I forgot to post (oops) but here it is! 
> 
> I saw that there were a few comments talking about how (un)realistic it is that Isak has not been outed yet and I spent a lot of time being upset with myself over it, because I agree. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. In this world, and with how big the KHL is, people would already know, I absolutely agree. I could argue that maybe Isak just got incredibly lucky, since he wasn't on the KHL's radar before at all and the drafting was such a surprise. I could argue that it's because it's Scandinavia and i reckon it's at least a little bit more respectful than for example the media coverage of the NHL is. But in the end you're right, absolutely. Sana says the same thing in the story - it's a miracle Isak hasn't been outed yet. I tried to bring Sana in there to acknowledge that side of things, to make the urgency clear and to show that it's really a matter of days until Isak is outed. There's no way no one will ever find out about him. But like I said in the notes of the very first chapter, this story is entirely made up and there will be parts that maybe are a bit unrealistic. I decided to write things this way so that my storyline works out, and since this is only fanfiction I am perfectly fine with that simple explanation. For now, people don't know about Isak, and I hope that the story is still fun for you all even if this wouldn't ever happen irl. I promise that that fact won't be ignored in the story and that they'll keep coming back to it, especially Sana. I'm trying to keep it as realistic as possible, but I am only a single person making all of this up, so there will inevitably be errors or plot elements that aren't that well planned xxx

EVEN'S POV

 

Even had been busy taking pictures of Isak picking up the crumbs on his desert plate and putting filters on them when Isak’s phone had yet again vibrated in the pocket of his jeans. It had made him think of how they still hadn’t come to a decision about the whole Sana thing that Isak had told him about last night. But it hadn’t been Sana who had called. 

It had been Mutasim Tatouti, one of Isak’s teammates. Number 62, right wing forward, 179 cm tall, shoots left. Even had probably done more research on the Jokerit roster than Isak had. But those players’ private numbers were in Isak’s phone now, so the interest was justified.

Isak had answered the call while Eskild had excused himself to the bathroom of the restaurant they had been at. Even had watched him closely, and Isak’s conflicted thoughts had been written all over his face when he had taken a deep breath and said, tripping over his words: “I’d love to, but I’m with Even right now. Remember him?”

The first thing Even had felt was a warm feeling at the realization that Isak had talked about him with his new teammates regardless of how risky it was to bring him up. Even hadn’t expected him to have done so. Next had been guilt for the way Isak had bitten his lip, clearly torn between wanting to say yes to whatever Mutta was offering and wanting to stay with Even. 

“You can go,” he had whispered at the same time as Mutta had apparently invited him to come along. 

“Yeah? You sure?” Isak had asked. “Eskild too?”

He had hung up shortly after that, his face pale, but with an attempt of a smile. 

“They’re all hanging out at Hartwall. Some news to celebrate, I don’t know. I can bring you.” 

It hadn’t taken Even long to agree to meet a bunch of KHL players and go skate with them at night. Eskild had simply downed his drink and given his keys to Isak, who was the most sober, once he had been back at the table. But it had taken Isak until they had reached the parking lot of Hartwall arena to admit what had him looking so damn nervous. 

“I don’t know how to be around you and not… be around you,” he mumbled quietly as they waited for Eskild to get his jacket from the trunk. “I don’t wanna pretend you’re just my friend from home all night.”

He had a point, and Even still felt the annoyance from this morning when they had been confronted with the issues they had already left behind in Oslo for the first time in quite a while. He hated it, all of it. But while he had urged Isak to come out in Oslo, he wasn’t as keen on it now. The Seadogs had known Isak for years, he had been their captain, they had looked up to him, and more importantly, they had all been friends. Things were different now, and more than anything, Even wanted Isak to be safe. 

“I know.” He already had to fight the urge to put his arm around Isak in comfort. They had become so damn touchy, and Even hadn’t even realized it until now that they were forced to keep a decent amount of space between them. He tried twice as hard to find comforting words instead, but they sounded like wishful thinking to him. “They’re your teammates now, you have to trust them at least a little bit. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe once you get to know them, coming out won’t seem as impossible anymore, who knows? Just enjoy this, don’t think too hard. You’re partying with the KHL, okay? Breathe.”

Isak locked eyes with him but was startled by Eskild closing the car door loudly. 

“Who’s ready for a night out in the closet?” he asked in a voice that was too cheerful. “At least we’re not alone in there, huh?” He walked up to Even and Isak, squeezing himself between them. Placing his arms around both their shoulders, he started walking them towards the back entrance Mutta had indicated on the phone. Then he lowered his voice.

“On a more serious note, you don’t have to whisper about this stuff. I’ve been a gay hockey player in high school and proceeded to become a gay physio that has to fear for his job with every new athlete that has pulled a muscle in his groin and yet doesn’t want to take his clothes off, I know what it’s like. I know how much it sucks.”

Even hadn’t ever spent much time with Eskild, since he hadn’t been his physio, so he looked at Isak instead of back at him. And he was right in thinking that the words were directed at Isak more than himself. Isak had always fought his friendship with Eskild to a degree and Even had never asked why, but he did raise an eyebrow at Isak now. He saw him blush though and dropped it in a heartbeat. Now wasn’t the time to add to his anxiety. 

“Thanks, Eskild,” he said for Isak. “If you introduce me to Magnusson my night will be a good one for sure, closet or not.” 

“Magnusson? No no no,” Eskild shook his head and presented Even with a list of players hotter than Magnusson, missing the point of how he had scored his 300th career goal last season entirely.

“Mutta is your number one?” Isak asked once he was done, and it was clearly a conscious decision of leaving his nerves behind in the parking lot and joining their conversation. 

“For sure.”

“Too bad he’s a forward,” Isak hummed which made Eskild laugh and Even wondered why. He didn’t know anything about how their internal team structure with the physios worked, but there was no time to ask before they reached the back door of the stadium. It apparently led right to a staircase down to the training arena Even had been to before to watch. He was itching to see the game night ice, but once Isak made the team he would probably spend enough time there, up in the stands. He could wait for now. 

They didn’t take the elevator down this time and avoided the official entrance area completely. Even had an inkling that they weren’t here on official, or entirely legal, business. It seemed like all lights and automatic doors weren’t even functioning at this time of the day. But the backdoor had been unlocked, so someone must have had a key at least. He let Isak take the lead and fell back with Eskild as they passed the dressing rooms and entered the ice area. 

The Jokerit roster currently consisted of 33 players, but there were more than that on the ice when they got there. Music had been turned on and it blasted through the overhead speakers. The ice was packed with guys Even recognized as Jokerit players, but also their girlfriends and whoever else they had brought. Crates of beer occupied the home bench and a crowd of people was lingering around them, drinking and chatting on the ice, leaning against the boards and laughing. 

Even looked around for a bit before his eyes fell on Isak. He had walked them all the way up to the side of the ice, right to the boards, but stopped right there and turned around, looking unsure. 

“A party? It’s training camp.” 

Luckily Eskild snorted at him and started telling him about how well his stats compared to other players. Even appreciated him for it, as it was exactly what Isak needed to hear. Along with how having a beer was not going to ruin the season for him. He also liked him for it because it saved him from having to say something himself. 

If Eskild hadn’t been there to deal with Isak’s reluctance, Even wouldn’t have been able to hold back on asking him why it was that he avoided his team that much. He remembered what it had been like to play with the Sharks for a month while they hadn’t been on speaking terms, what it had been like to play with the Seadogs and hating their guts. It hadn’t been fun. Isak would need his team in order to feel at home here, but right now he looked at Even like he’d rather go home with him. Trying to use his health and how serious he had to take training camp as a stupid excuse to avoid the Jokers. 

Even couldn’t help but wonder how much of that was due to him. How much he was really holding him back, maybe even without Isak realizing that that was what was going on. He wasn’t ready for Jokerit because Even was anchoring him in Oslo. 

“Isak!” 

Even recognized Mutta from having seen him on TV, rather than from watching him play yesterday. He had been up in the stands and Mutta had been nothing more than moving gear to him. But now he was walking up to Isak with a wide grin, wearing no gear but instead jeans and a yellow jersey along with his skates, causing him to waddle a bit. His eyes were sparkling when he pulled his rookie into a welcoming hug. 

“So glad you made it! Eskild,” he turned to Eskild to greet him and then beamed at Even. “You’re Even? Another Norwegian?”

“Yeah,” Even nodded and smiled. Mutta gave him a one armed hug and continued talking.

“Get yourself some beer, it’s on me.”

“What are we celebrating?” Isak asked. At least he was smiling now and no longer looked like he hated the whole idea of being here. 

“My new jersey,” Mutta grinned and motioned down to the A that decorated his chest, indicating that he had been made alternate captain. “I got keys to this place now.”

“Congratulations, that’s awesome. You’re using them to throw a party?” Isak smiled, but Even could clearly hear the concern in his voice. Sometimes he just really wanted to reach into Isak’s head, take some of the responsibility and pressure off his shoulders, and carry it for him instead.

Mutta seemed to agree with Even’s thoughts, as he turned his head to the side and placed a hand on Isak’s shoulder as if he was confiding in a secret. “It’s not just a party. It’s a surprice party. Come on, you can give us your best again tomorrow morning. You’re not gonna do us much good if we don’t know you.”

“Well I’m certainly getting a beer,” Eskild said behind him. He was already tipsy from their dinner at the restaurant, but he also didn’t have to play tomorrow. And he already had a contract with Jokerit, unlike Isak.

“I’m gonna get my skates and stick,” Isak told Mutta. “Gonna find some for Even too.”

Even looked up at that. He hadn’t been on the ice with Isak since their last practice after their cup win. He hadn’t even put on his gear since then, since he had only worn a helmet when he had played with the kids.

He felt a bit weird when he put on the spare skates Isak handed him a few minutes later and stepped onto the rink that was reserved for people better than him. Isak was right behind him, and the memories of how many times they had done this together felt heavier than the simple nostalgia he had expected. He had to think of their picture that had been put up at the cafe outside the rink in Oslo, of them celebrating one of their goals together. All those moments they had had together last year and would never get to repeat. At this point, Even didn’t even know if he’d ever put on gear again. For the first time since he could remember he wasn’t part of a team, and he felt the loss when he stepped on the ice at Hartwall.

He shook his head when Mutta challenged him to a shootout and watched Isak skate off with him instead after giving him an approving nod. This was Isak’s team, not his. Isak’s ice, Isak’s yellow jerseys, Isak’s Hartwall arena. Isak’s new alternate captain who now chased him around the ice and made him part of his crowd so damn easily while Even remained where he was, a bit shaken by whatever it was that had hit him suddenly. It felt a bit like jealousy, but not entirely. 

He watched Isak outsmart Mutta and send his first puck right into the upper right corner of the net to the sound of people cheering around him. And there it was. A real smile on his face, one that Even had missed for five whole weeks. He looked over at him and Even gave him a wave and pursed his lips in the slightest idea of a kiss. It made Isak smile harder and look down at his skates for a second, like he was savoring the moment.

Even needed a drink. So he went over to the home bench, not his home bench, but Isak’s, and took a bottle from one of the crates. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Nikolai Magnusson doing the same at the other side of the benches. He looked around for Eskild only to find him talking to some girl he didn’t know nearby, so he took a deep breath and skated over to where his idol was opening his beer. 

“Do you mind?” He extended his beer to Magnusson to ask him to open it. “I’m Even. I was at the world finals last summer and saw you play. Your backhand is filthy.” 

Magnusson only inclined his head in thanks as he opened Even’s beer. His English was heavily accented when he asked: “Do you play?”

Even opened his mouth to say yes, but the words didn’t come out. Technically, he didn’t. He didn’t have a team. What he had was an ongoing sexual assault investigation and a ruined career that came with it for free.

“I do. Did,” he eventually said. “I played college hockey for Oslo last year but decided not to go pro right away.”

“Why?” 

What had he expected? Hockey was the only thing they had to talk about, of course Magnusson was going to ask. 

“Maybe next year.”

Magnusson gave him a strangely pitying look that somehow made Even feel like the air was getting thinner around him and it was getting harder to breathe.

“Next year there’ll be better players.” There was a certainty in Magnusson’s voice that left Even feeling drained, like he had no energy left to even say anything back. He could only nod at this easy statement that was a truth he hadn’t been ready to face yet. His career was over, but he hadn’t heard it said out loud yet. Isak had danced around the issue over the summer and talked about all those teams that might fit him, but he hadn’t had the guts to tell him to his face that if he didn’t play this year, he’d probably never play pro. Hearing it from his idol was sobering.

“Yeah,” was all he could come up with.

“Valtersen’s from Oslo,” Magnusson remarked. “Are you with him?”

Even nodded. He held onto that thought almost desperately. Even if he didn’t have anything else right now, he still had Isak. And Vilde, and a degree, and a future. Maybe he wouldn’t play pro, but he was still someone. 

“I am. Visiting for a bit. We used to play defense together.”

“He’s better on the offense,” Magnusson almost cut him off. “He’s fast, he’s smart. Sure, he’s not much of an aggressive player, but he’s insistent, keeps trying. I like him at centre.”

Even liked Isak wherever he was happiest, but he didn’t feel like saying that, so he simply nodded. It was interesting to hear what Magnusson had to say about Isak’s playing style and he wanted him to continue talking. When he did however, Even also heard someone else say Isak’s name near him and he snapped his head around in disbelief.

“You know Isak’s a fag, right? You let him stay at your house?” 

Isak’s physio had joined Eskild’s conversation right behind him. He was facing away from him and Magnusson so that Even could see Eskild’s face fall at his question. Eskild looked about as shocked as Even felt. He wanted to turn around and punch Kemppi in the face, but he remained where he was, his hands balling into fists at his side. If he made a scene here it wouldn’t matter if it was to defend Isak or not, he wouldn’t ever forgive himself for sending Isak home over something as pitiful as a slur. Thankfully, Eskild wasn’t linked with Isak the way he was. Whatever he did wouldn’t reflect badly on Isak. 

Even watched his face turn from disbelief to disgust to a wicked smile. Then he slowly lifted his beer and emptied the bottle over Kemppi’s head without saying a word. He kept the smile though, as beer trickled down the physio’s shoulders and onto the ice. 

Kemppi cursed loudly in Finnish and stumbled backwards into the boards in an attempt to dodge, but the damage was done. Around them people started to cheer at the drama regardless of how no one could know what was going on. Magnusson pushed past Even and grabbed Eskild by the collar, playing the captain card, but Even still didn’t move. He made himself hold on to the boards and closed his eyes for a second to let his anger cool down.

He couldn’t get involved. For Isak’s sake. For once in his life, he had to keep it together and not stand up for himself. When he opened his eyes again, Isak was right in front of him. 

“What’s going on?” he asked. There was a flush on his cheeks from having skated for a bit and having fun for once, his curls were unruly and beautiful. Isak didn’t deserve this. None of it. But Even couldn’t protect him from it, so he told him the truth while people behind him started yelling in Finnish and Eskild kept proclaiming that he’d leave on his own and didn’t need an escort.

“I guess Eskild didn’t approve of Kemppi calling you a fag.”

Even hated nothing more than the fact that there was fear in Isak’s eyes rather than anger. There was sheer terror at being found out, Kemppi knowing his secret and using it against him. It was worse to Isak than what he had said, and it hurt Even to see it on his face. He wanted to pull Isak in close, wanted to kiss his frozen cheeks and tense jaw. But he kept holding on to the boards instead and watched Isak take out his phone. 

“What?” he mouthed, but Isak didn’t reply. He only listened to the dial tone on the other end of the line and when someone picked up, he said: “Sana? Let me know when I can sign.”


	9. Chapter 9

Sana took a long sip of her tea while her eyes never left the dark purple bruise on Even’s neck. It was fading, but definitely still there, decorating his otherwise perfectly pale skin. Her piercing stare irritated Isak as he watched Even begin to fidget under it and raise a hand to his neck in an attempt to cover up.

They had been silent for too long, watching Sana take in her surroundings that were Eskild’s living room. Sana said nothing as she drank the tea Even had made for her, almost like she was enjoying the suspense. 

Isak cleared his throat. 

“So, what do we do?” 

The question made Even look at him in relief but Sana didn’t even acknowledge that he had spoken. Her eyes were still on Even’s neck, like she was already imagining the headlines. Isak had broken the silence but now he didn’t know what to say anymore so he shrugged his shoulders at Even in defeat.

“What’s the plan?” Even made another attempt to break the silence. It was the first thing he had said to Sana ever since she had requested her tea. Isak could feel that she made Even just as uneasy as she made him. To his surprise, Sana set her cup down on the coffee table in front of her, crossed her legs, and leaned back on the sofa at Even’s words.

“What’s yours?” she asked. “Would you rather go for the classy press conference or spice it up a bit, maybe an airplane banner? A rainbow jersey on opening night? If you want to make some money, maybe a leaked sex tape would be the way to go.”

“What?”

Even looked entirely lost, but Isak knew where she was going with this and he rolled his eyes. 

“It’s a hickey,” he said. “Nothing more. No one knows it’s...” He was going to say ‘from me’ but it suddenly felt too intimate to even say out loud. Instead he motioned awkwardly between him and Even to make his point. His point that was definitely a lie.

“You think so?” Sana smiled at him sweetly. “You think no one is going to connect the dots when your visitors leave your place looking like they were sucked dry? Besides, it’s gross.”

“Not the point,” Isak complained. 

“No. The point is that you’re being stupid. People’s careers have ended over things way less obvious than this. This,” she motioned towards Even again, “is a statement. You might as well have shredded that contract I gave you. There’s no need for a PR plan if you’re gonna be this dumb.”

Isak hated her. He hated her for being right and for calling him out on his naivety, something he was well aware of but could not stop. He hated feeling helpless and being talked down to, but most of all he hated that he had to do this in the first place. That he couldn’t just call any agent he wanted but had to deal with Sana because he had no other options. All he wanted was a choice.

“We get it,” Even said. “No more of this.” He rubbed his hand over his neck and let it drop to his lap. He was sitting crosslegged on the armchair opposite of where Isak and Sana were sitting on the couch with as much space between them as they could manage. This was never going to work. 

“No more of this either,” Sana said. She indicated the room around her, and threw a disapproving glance at a framed picture of Britney behind Even’s head. “You can’t live here.”

Isak almost felt like snapping at her, but he gritted his teeth and asked, as calmly as he could: “What does my living room have to do with anything?”

“Eskild’s living room,” Sana corrected him. “Eskild, who I hear has come here to get over his married boyfriend, yes? How long until he starts bringing home guys? Secretly of course, but once he’s seen at a bar that has glory holes you can bet your fancy KHL jersey that he’ll have two shadows on his way home. Living with a gay guy that’s of interest to the media doubles your chances of being fucked over, okay? If he’s found out, so are you. How do you not think? You can’t be associated with Eskild anymore than you already are, given that you followed him here.”

“I didn’t...” Isak began, but Sana sent him a look that shut him up.

“The first step then,” Sana continued, “is for you to move out. Find yourself a manly bachelorette condo. Then you send Even home. Then you show your coaches why you’re really here.”

“No.” 

Both Sana’s and Even’s eyes narrowed as they looked at him, Sana’s in annoyance, Even’s in confusion. 

“I’ll play, yes. I can see your point about Eskild. But Even’s not leaving unless he wants to.”

He wasn’t going to compromise on that part and he made sure to look Sana right in the eyes when he spoke. He was ready to do whatever she wanted him to do, but not without Even. Which might be exactly her point, but he didn’t care. To his surprise, Sana inclined her head after a long moment, admitting defeat. 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

It was strange to see her back down. Isak hadn’t expected her to give in to him that easily, and it almost made him feel suspicious. Even looked just as puzzled, but he didn’t say anything. He had met Sana before, when he had played in Hamar, but he had told Isak that he had never really talked to her, and Isak could tell that he was struggling to keep up. 

“But we’re not done with step one. Eskild. An official warning for unsportsmanlike behavior from higher management? What do you know?” Sana now spread her arms on the backrest of the couch.

Isak couldn’t help but blush. He had to admit, he had been pretty fucking stupid in giving Even that hickey and tipping Kemppi off like that. Sana raised his eyebrows at him, but luckily Even saved him from having to answer. 

“Kemppi, this other physio...”

“I know the medical staff, thank you,” Sana interrupted him with an eye roll. Even shot Isak an irritated look but he kept going.

“He knows. He confronted Eskild about it, knowing that he knows Isak, and gave him shit for it. We don’t know if he’s going to talk.”

Isak felt hot rage pump through his body when Sana began to laugh. He wanted to kick her out and rip her stupid contract up into pieces, but something was holding him back. He knew he needed this. He needed Sana to tell him how stupid he was being, or otherwise he’d be going home to Oslo in two weeks. The hopeful glimmer that sparked up inside him at the thought felt like betrayal to him. He wanted this. And he needed Sana. So he braced himself for hearing her say ‘I told you so’. 

“Oh, so he’s right at your level of pathetic. Risking his job to defend his friends from the mean people out there that call them names? Guys,” she sighed and her smile vanished. “This is not going to work if that’s how you deal with things. I can scare Kemppi into keeping his mouth shut, but you’re going to get shit. A lot of it and from a lot of people. The goal here is not to make people see that love knows no gender and for you to play a career full of joy and support that’s going to change the world of hockey forever. It’s to give you a fair chance, Isak. I want you to get that contract based on your skills, that’s all I’m here for. And I’m going to help you through the next month in which you’re not going to be signed. After that, probably as soon as the trial takes off, you’re going to have to deal with worse than a braindead physio. But at least then you’ll have a contract, you’ll have a chance. However, it’s not going to happen that way if you behave like butt hurt children. The world isn’t a pretty place, get used to it.”

Isak didn’t know what to say. All he could think of was that Sana reminded him of Even. Not of Even the way he was now, sitting across from them with wide eyes and, yes, a bit of an approving smile on his face. But of Even the way he had been last year, all cynical and mad at the world. Isak had an irrational desire to shield him from Sana, to not let her give him any incentive at all to go down that road again. 

Of course she was right, about everything. But he didn’t need Even to hear about it right now. What Even needed was strength and positive thoughts, not a reminder of how life had screwed him over last year and how there was no point in even trying. 

Then he wondered if Even was thinking the same thing about him every time he apologized for pulling Isak into his legal trouble.

He couldn’t stand not touching Even any longer and so he got up to stand behind him and rest his forearms on his shoulders. It felt easier this way, like everything Sana was saying was half as bad because Even’s body was warm and the muscles in his upper body were strong and holding up his weight easily. Even’s hand came up to hold his on his left shoulder and Isak watched Sana follow their every move attentively, but she didn’t say anything. 

“I appreciate your effort,” Isak made himself say. He wasn’t done trying. There was a reason he had been captain last year, and he was going to treat Sana as a rookie: With patience and perseverance. The way he had dealt with Even last year. “And I understand what you’re saying. But I also know that Even and I spent half our relationship in secret because I was so damn scared of telling people. And once I did, nothing happened. Nothing huge, anyways. I’m thinking maybe you’re blowing this out of proportion a bit. People might surprise you.” 

It was wishful thinking, yes. And the pitiful look Sana gave him showed what she thought about it. But Even squeezed his hand in his and it was all he had wanted. He needed Even to keep going, to keep believing, or otherwise his trial would ruin him. The thought of it hurt Isak physically and he had to lean against the backrest of the chair with his entire body in order not to feel it. 

“Cute,” Sana simply said. “I’m only telling you this once: If you want to come out now, if you don’t think that avoiding it for as long as possible is the right way to go, then you shouldn’t sign me. There’s no point in me working with you if you’re going to leave without having played a single game. You need to work with me or I’m gone.”

It wasn’t like he had much of a choice, but Isak still looked down at Even in question. He wasn’t going to decide this on his own, despite the fact that the decision had been made the second Eskild had thrown a tantrum over some stupid slur. Isak hadn’t seen Eskild since, and he still had to make up his mind over what to think of what had happened. But he had known the second he had seen the guys react to the scene Eskild had made that his secret was going to blow up sooner than he’d like. Which was exactly why he needed Sana. 

Even gave him a look that said he didn’t want to push him in one direction or another, so Isak nodded. 

“Okay. Yeah, okay. Once I get the papers back from my lawyer I’m going to sign them. And I’m going to do my very best to keep this a secret and to work with you. But Even stays. I want him to have a say in everything and I need you to know that he’s not going to go anywhere. He’s a part of this and I’m not going to pretend that he’s not and start playing mind games with the public. Keeping secrets is a yes, lying and scheming is a no.”

For a moment Sana looked disapproving and Isak feared she was going to argue, but then she nodded. 

“Fine. Who would have thought my first player would have neither balls nor creativity.”

“Who would have thought my first agent would be a salty bitch,” Isak spat back and even though Even gave a short laugh underneath him his hand tightened around his in warning. 

“Well well, the world has brought us together, so lets get to work,” Sana smiled. “We need to talk about that rookie video.”

“Sure. Want more tea?” Isak asked. He walked over to the couch again when Sana shook her head no. When he could finally see Even’s face again he saw a fond look in his eyes he hadn’t known he had put there. It made his insides pull tightly together with affection.

“They’re planning on filming you at Hartwall, obviously,” Sana said. Isak didn’t know where she got her information from, but he nodded as if it made sense. “What they usually do, international player or not, is to put together five minutes of you shooting goals and showing off, laughing with your teammates during practice and seeming generally dangerous and likable at the same time, exactly how they want you. You’ll be asked to talk about what Finnish foods you’ve tried, if you’ve learned a curse word yet, and what rookie pranks you’ve been subject to. Then you talk about training camp and how much you appreciate the organization and cut.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad,” Even remarked.

“Yeah, only it’s not going to go down like that. Not for you. The coaching staff might not know, but Jokerit’s PR team is going to start doing research on you once they know they’ll be doing your video. If you’re unlucky and they’re smart, they already have. And you know what that means. We need to avoid that so you need to show initiative and take it out of their hands.”

“How?” Isak asked and Sana looked impatient with him yet again. 

“You film it yourself. In Oslo. I’ll talk to management for you, you’ll fly out on Saturday, be back on Sunday. It’s your off day so you’ll only miss one practice on Saturday afternoon.”

“Saturday? That’s tomorrow,” Isak sat up straighter on the couch in the same moment Even uncrossed his legs from underneath him. His heart beat faster at the sole idea of going to Oslo. To see Eva and Jonas, Magnus, Vilde. To be back at the rink, maybe even go skating there, smell that familiar musky air in the locker rooms and see dark red everywhere. He fucking loved Sana. 

“Yes. Yes, good,” he nodded without thinking about it. “Is that gonna work? Why would management agree to that?”

“If you don’t fuck it up it is,” Sana shrugged. “They’ll agree to it because it’s a good idea. Showing you at home will make you more relatable, more accessible. It works better on so many levels. You’ll talk about where you grew up, about your junior team and high school hockey, talk about the Seadogs and being captain. It’s the kind of player that you are and they’ll want to market that. You’re reliable, loyal, you can carry a team. You have a voice, ideals, you’re damn naive but it also makes you stubborn. You’ve done a lot in Oslo. If they film you here you’re gonna look lost because that’s what you are. No one roots for a rookie that has nothing to say.”

Again, Sana had a point. And it lifted a heavy weight off of Isak’s shoulders, knowing he wasn’t going to have to dread that video shoot any longer. Instead, he was going to go home. 

“Even’s coming with, right?”

Sana shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t care as long as you’re not on film,” she said, looking at Even. “No talking about Even and how he’s the best D partner you’ve ever had, no talking about your love life, period. No girls either, no Eva. Just hockey.”

“How do you know Eva?” Isak startled. He didn’t even register what exactly she was implying before the words were out. How did Sana know about his past with Eva? About anything concerning his life that wasn’t hockey related and on the news?

“Mahdi Disi,” was Sana’s reply. “Former Shark, current Seadog. I made a phone call, it’s as easy as that.” 

Isak hadn’t actually expected her to tell him his source, but when she did he had to admit it was kind of easy. Mahdi had transferred to the Seadogs for his last year just as he had hoped to do, and if Sana knew the Sharks, she’d know him too. 

“Do you know Mikael Øverlie?” 

Isak looked over at Even at his question. He didn’t know why, but his sudden interest startled him. He knew Even and Mikael were talking, had even met up this summer, but Even didn’t usually talk much about his former team mate and best friend. Also the guy he used to have a crush on.

“Sure. Manglerud Star, Oslo, left side defense. I know all former Sharks, I basically lived at your rink, remember?”

Had Jokerit not wanted him, it would have probably been the one thing that would have bothered Isak about playing for Oslo’s GET league team. Both Mikael and Chris had been drafted there this year and they would have been his fellow rookies. It wouldn’t have been his favorite prospect in the world.

But it didn’t do much good to think about what could have been. He was here now, living his dream. Playing for the KHL like he had always wanted. All he had to do was play along with Sana’s plan for a while, kill it at training camp, shine throughout the preseason games starting next week, and get that contract that would open the door for him to play his rookie season for one of the best teams in the world.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I took ages to update! For whatever reason, all the emails about your comments went into my spam folder this week and I ended up feeling so unmotivated. But I just saw them and now I just wanna hug you all. I really love you so much xxx
> 
> Hi to everyone I met or met again in Oslo last weekend, it was so great to see you and I'm glad we're friends <3

They flew out at an ungodly hour on Saturday morning but still managed to arrive at the airport half an hour before their gate opened. Isak dozed off again with his face buried in his luggage and his knees pulled up to his chest while Even went to get them a third cup of coffee. His headphones were connected to Even’s phone which was playing the soundtrack of some musical Isak wasn’t familiar with. However, it was easy to fall asleep to something he knew was Even’s. It made him feel safe and like he belonged. But maybe it was also just the prospect of going home. 

Isak didn’t remember having ever felt this homesick before. Usually, he was perfectly fine with leaving Oslo for a while. It was most likely the uncertainty and tension that dominated his life, as well as Even’s these days, that made him crave being home. 

Technically, he didn’t even have a home in Oslo anymore since he had moved out of his student accommodation. But now Even did. He rented a tiny flat near the rink that Isak had helped him move into right before he had left for Helsinki. They had never spent a night there together, and it wasn’t Isak’s home, but the thought of it still felt more familiar to him than Helsinki did. 

Even woke him up again after what felt like sixty seconds by brushing his hair out of his face and handing him a steaming hot cup of coffee. Isak took it and mumbled a thank you before falling right back asleep against Even’s shoulder. 

“Have you texted Eva?” Even’s voice made Isak open his eyes again. 

“Huh?” he asked and rubbed his hand over his eyes. 

“Sorry, were you sleeping?” Even’s hand went up to Isak’s hair to play with it as he spoke. 

“Mmh,” Isak mumbled. “You told the group chat you’re bringing me home so there’s no need to text her, right?”

“Eva’s not a Seadog.” 

“No but she’ll hear from Jonas, Mags, someone. Vilde knows.”

Even nodded at the last part. It was hard to remember a time in which Isak had hated their friendship and thought they were better off without each other. They were so close these days, it made Isak smile fondly whenever they talked about the other. He still hadn’t really found a connection with Vilde, but he felt a lot closer to her than he used to merely based on how they both adored Even. 

“You should talk to her,” Even said quietly. “She’s your friend, tell her she’s disappointing you.”

“She’s not,” Isak shook his head and sat up a little bit straighter on the bench they were occupying. It was apparent he wasn’t going to get any more sleep. “If anything, she’s disappointed in me.”

“Huh?” Even asked. He yawned into his coffee and Isak placed a hand on his knee for comfort. 

“You need to get more sleep, baby.”

Of course Isak had noticed how little Even had slept in the four nights since he’d arrived. He had been wide awake every night when Isak had fallen asleep, talking about something Isak eventually hadn’t given replies to anymore, and he had texted Isak good morning every day when he had arrived at Hartwall. 

“I’m trying,” Even shrugged. “But you’re gonna see Eva, right? This weekend?”

“Did Vilde make you spy on me? I know she wants us all to hang out again, but it’s not my fault if Eva’s never around.”

“She didn’t,” Even shook his head. “She’s just as confused about Eva as you are. Which is why I think you should talk. She might not have been around much, but her and Noora keep sending me stuff they found that might help the trial. It’s not like she doesn’t care about us.”

“You,” Isak corrected him. “She cares about you then.”

“Come on,” Even sighed. “You’re her best friend, why would that suddenly change? You think she’s disappointed in you for leaving? That’s not a reason for you to stop being friends.”

“Seems to be one for her.” 

Isak took a sip of his coffee, burning his tongue. It wasn’t that he was mad at Eva or didn’t want to see her, and he agreed with Even that they should probably talk. He just felt like he was running after her, making it too easy for her. She had disappeared on both him and Vilde a while ago and if that was her choice then Isak wasn’t going to beg.

“You need your best friend, okay? You’ve hardly seen each other all summer.”

Even’s words were quiet and it took Isak a moment to find it in him to nod. He was going to text Eva as soon as his limbs weren’t falling asleep on him anymore. But his thoughts also went to Jonas at Even’s words. 

Jonas, who had enrolled himself for a second degree at the University of Helsinki when Isak had told him about having been drafted. Who had been excited for him and had suggested renting a place together. Who had talked about coming to see his games if he got a spot on the roster. Who had promised him they were going to make the move together if Isak got a contract. Only to then bail on him a week before their flight and remain in Oslo with the stupid excuse of needing a job rather than a second degree after all. 

Of course Isak got it. It was money issues and so he didn’t have the right to say anything. Only it didn’t feel like that was all there was to it and Isak didn’t know how to say that without sounding like a dick who didn’t believe his best friend. But the Jonas he knew would have found a job in Helsinki, not claimed that it was impossible due to the language barrier. He wouldn’t have stayed behind at the airport with an arm around both Even and Eva and waved at Isak after having promised to go with him.

Isak knew he was being whiny. Tired and needy and ungrateful. He didn’t like himself these days and he missed the old Isak that had carried his team through the playoffs and won them the cup, who hadn’t been this damn afraid of everything. But Even going to court was real. Him playing for the KHL was too. And they were both huge things. It was a lot to carry and for once, he didn’t feel strong enough to do it. 

So maybe Even was right. Maybe he should get together with Eva and Jonas, reconnect with Magnus and the other Seadogs that were still in Oslo, make more of an effort to remind himself of all the good he had in his life. It would be easier than doing this with only Even. 

“Are you going to see Mikael?” 

Isak couldn’t help but wonder. He hadn’t really given Even’s former best friend much thought, since he had been in Hamar up until a few weeks ago. As far as Isak knew, they hadn’t really talked after Mikael and the rest of his team had accused him of lying about their coach, even if Mikael had quickly realized his mistake. But now they were in the same city once again, as Mikael was playing for Oslo, and they had seen each other at least once already when Even had asked him to be a witness during the trial.

“I don’t know,” Even shrugged. “Haven’t thought of it. But I can see him all the time now, it doesn’t really matter.” 

“Do you want to? See him all the time that is?”

Even looked like he was considering his reply but they were interrupted by the flight assistant inviting them to board. He just shrugged again and made a noncommittal noise before getting up and throwing his empty coffee cup into a nearby bin. Isak frantically began searching for his passport until Even handed it to him with a tired smile. Then he threw his bag with his skates over his shoulder and reached for their shared trolley to get in line. 

 

…

 

On the plane, Isak made an effort of lulling Even to sleep. He willed himself to stay awake in order to stroke his hair and skip past the louder songs that blasted through the headphones they shared. Eventually Even’s eyes fell closed. He got a short hour of rest before the attendant notified them to prepare for landing.

It had only been six weeks, but Isak still smiled more widely than necessary at the people at border control and customs talking to him in Norwegian. Not even the mildly threatening text he got from Sana as soon as his phone was off airplane mode could ruin his mood. 

_Kemppi won’t talk. Don’t do anything stupid this weekend, I beg you. S. ___

__There was also a text from Eskild, wishing him a good time and requesting a bunch of Norwegian sweets. He also expressed his hopes of talking about what had happened at Mutta’s “surprice” party once Isak got back to Helsinki. Isak sent him a thumbs up and greetings from Even but ignored Sana’s passive aggressive message._ _

__It wasn’t that Isak had avoided Eskild since the party, they had just kept missing each other. The day after, Isak had been at Hartwall all day and then in his meeting with Sana, and when he got home, Eskild had been at the gym. In the evening, Eskild had been out and they had only texted each other about their plans and about borrowing Eskild’s car to get to the airport in the morning._ _

__He wasn’t mad at him, but he also wasn’t a big fan of what had happened. Of Eskild standing up for him but at the same time drawing unnecessary attention to what Kempii had said about Isak in the first place. They were going to figure it out though, so Isak wasn’t worried. His relationship with Eskild as a roommate so far had been easy, and he wanted it to stay that way._ _

__Walking through the gates at arrivals with Even on his heels, they were both tired, hair disheveled and smelling of coffee. Isak saw Vilde first. She wasn’t looking at him but waving at Even excitedly, biting her lip in an attempt to stay calm and not bounce up and down in excitement. Even pushed past Isak and had her in his arms, moving quicker than Isak had seen him all morning._ _

__He spotted Eva only when he averted his eyes from their embrace as it became too awkward to simply watch them. He hadn’t even told her he’d be in Oslo and yet here she was, smiling at him a bit hesitantly. Her hair was falling over her shoulders in dark blonde tangles Isak knew would smell like raspberry and there was a faint hint of freckles on her nose from having spent the summer outside._ _

__“Hey stranger,” she said to him when he approached her. And suddenly there were tears in her eyes and she not only threw her arms around him but jumped up, wrapping her legs around his middle and her arms around his neck. Isak took a step backwards in surprise but he held her up easily, the smell and feel of her familiar and soothing. He hadn’t expected this, but he was far from unhappy._ _

__“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were coming,” Eva complained into his shoulder as he sat her back down but kept her close to him. “Were you just going to be at the rink while I practiced on the other ice?! Were you going to hang out with Vilde and Even without me? You’re such an asshole!”_ _

__There was a lot Isak could have said, about how she surely had better plans with Noora, how he had only followed her example and excluded her from his life for a change. But he didn’t actually want to say any of those things. She was here now and he didn’t care. They only had two days together and he wasn’t going to ruin them by bitching about how their summer had gone all wrong and separated them all._ _

__“I’m glad you came here,” he told her instead and she gave him an incredulous huff as she took a step back and brushed her wild hair out of her face._ _

__“Of course I came, what did you expect? Isak, you can be so dumb, seriously. Hey Even.” She turned towards Even then who was tugging at her sleeve to hug her hello._ _

__Isak walked around them and listened to Even jokingly agree with Eva and complain about Isak’s recent lack of intelligence due to the KHL’s welcoming ritual of bouncing a few pucks off of his head. He rolled his eyes at them and greeted Vilde, noting her rosy cheeks and glowing eyes. Hell, she was just as much in love with Even as he was at this point, and it made him feel strangely affectionate towards her._ _

__“It’s good to see you,” he told her and she immediately blushed a bit harder. Sometimes Isak couldn’t believe how they had lived together for three years and she was still so easily overwhelmed by his presence. Her reaction to Chris had always been the worst though. He hadn’t realized how weird it was most of the time, but now that Chris was out of the picture it hit him again just how insecure she still was. And it made him proud of Even for getting through to her the way he did._ _

__“You too,” Vilde said. “I made you cupcakes last night when I heard you were coming. They’re red and white like the Seadogs.”_ _

__“And they’re amazing,” Eva added from behind him. “Thanks to Jonas they’re almost gone”_ _

__“Magnus took some for Iben too,” Vilde nodded. “He left for Hamar again last night to see her.”_ _

__Isak’s brain took a moment to catch up and understand that this meant they had all been hanging out. Jonas and Magnus with Eva and Vilde. It wasn’t that weird, but it also wouldn’t have happened before he had left. Jonas and Eva didn’t spend time together anymore, Vilde wasn’t friends with the guys, and Vilde and Eva had been weird about each other ever since the play offs and their failed attempt at dating. But he didn’t get a chance to ask about their new dynamics, as Eva placed a hand on his bicep and widened her eyes in exaggerated shock._ _

__“Okay, you were fit before you left, but seriously? What kind of drugs does Jokerit have you on?”_ _

__Isak shrugged and rolled his eyes at the way Even hummed in appreciation at Eva’s remark and snuck an arm around his waist._ _

__“It’s called a gym, you use it too sometimes, I think,” Isak said to Eva._ _

__“Not over the summer,” Eva groaned. “And now we’ll have cupcakes for breakfast, that’s just grand.”_ _

__She took out her phone as she spoke and snapped a picture of Even and Isak together with their luggage. Then she moved to stand in front of them and pulled Vilde into her side to capture their reunion. As Isak smiled at the camera he could feel Even pressing his lips to his cheek and he felt warm all over._ _


	11. Chapter 11. Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you!!!
> 
> Way back in the day when I asked for wishes or ideas for part 2, I got this ask: "i so wanna see them play hockey against each other but just playfully, like practicing against each other for fun and being all Domestically Competitive". The end of this chapter is for this wonderful anon. If you're still reading, thank you for being so invested and sending me this! 
> 
> I have about 10 or 15 more chapters to write (I'm at 22 rn) so that's not too many. As always, if there's anything you want me to include, anything you wanna see at all, do let me know and I'll try my best xxx

EVEN'S POV

 

It almost hurt Even a little bit to see Isak in dark red again, but in a good way. He was up in the stands, watching Isak on the ice below, where Eva, Noora, and Jonas were helping him film his rookie video. They had collectively decided it was better for Even to not be involved at all. Maybe it would make Sana happy for once, Even thought. So he was watching Isak skate around in black adidas sweatpants and a Seadogs sweater. He looked incredibly good, and damn, even without gear, without an honest effort, he was unbelievable on the ice. He wasn’t even really playing, just showing off, lifting the puck into the air and spinning around only to catch it again just in time to send it flying into the goal all the way from the centre line. 

Even reached for his fries and cleared his throat. 

“I hope he never stops playing,” he said to Vilde who was sat next to him, her knees touching his. 

And he meant it. He was definitely going to ask Noora to send the footage to him. Not just the final cut, but everything. Isak laughing, leaning casually against the boards as they discussed the video’s content, sprinting towards the camera and sprinkling it with ice as he pulled his speed in the last second, spinning around the ice in a mock version of Eva’s figure skating moves. Him playing with Jonas as defense, outsmarting him easily with every single move he made. Jonas was a goalie whereas Isak was a future KHL forward, so it wasn’t a surprise, but Even still felt proud of Isak every time a puck hit the net. 

It made the most sense for Jonas to be a part of the video. He had played with Isak ever since high school and he had stories to tell about Isak’s development as a player, but also knew him as a person. Not being alone on the ice also made Isak look better. It made him seem human, the way he joked around with Jonas. Even knew they had made the right decision every time he caught Isak’s smile and realized just how easy it was for him to do this with Jonas. So much easier than socializing with the Jokers. 

So he watched him skate with Jonas while Noora filmed and Eva kept yelling suggestions and offering ideas. Noora was studying media science at UiO as her master’s degree and had been glad to help out, whereas Eva refused to miss a single second with Isak this weekend. Even didn’t know what the hell was going on between Isak and her, or between Isak and Jonas for that matter, but the way she acted now didn’t match up with what Isak had told him about her not wanting to talk to him while he had been in Helsinki. He couldn’t get rid of the feeling that maybe Isak was the one isolating himself, and not the other way around. Sure, he had witnessed Eva taking a step back from them all, and he knew how Vilde felt about it, but he couldn’t really believe it was all her fault. Not when he had also seen how Isak was interacting with Eskild and his new team.

“I hope he never stops playing with you,” Vilde said in reply to his words. “Hockey doesn’t excite me, but it’s fun when you two play together.”

Even nodded in agreement. It had been fun for him too, playing with Isak on a team, and he hadn’t appreciated it nearly enough.

“I don’t understand why Jonas isn’t playing anymore, he’s quite good, isn’t he?” Vilde then asked.

He wasn’t, not at a position that wasn’t the goal, and not compared to Isak, but to Vilde it was all the same. They were all amazing to her.

“There’s little demand for goalies,” Even said. “It’s a lot harder to get drafted.”

They watched their friends down on the ice a bit more after that and Even ate his fries in silence. Vilde shook her head whenever he offered them to her, but he had seen her eat a cupcake earlier with a concentrated look on her face and she had brought a bag of peanuts along with her that she eventually started nibbling.

“Even,” Vilde said, causing him to look at her when he recognized the familiar uncertainty in her voice. “I meant to tell you earlier, but I’m not sure what you’ll think of it. I’m taking law classes this semester.”

Even waited a few seconds to see if there was more coming. There was nothing upsetting about the news but Vilde’s face was somehow expectant, like she was prepared for him to throw a tantrum. 

“How’s that bad?” Even asked.

“I don’t know.” Vilde let out a long breath, almost in relief. “I just thought maybe you’d think that I’m using your trial as a career finding experiment or something. Because I only figured out I’m interested in this when I started reading about your trial. And that’s awful.”

“Vilde,” Even sighed and put his arm around her. “I don’t think that at all. I’m glad you’re in this with me and I love you for putting all this effort into it.”

“Well so is everyone else. You’re not doing this alone, you know that. Noora and Eva and Isak and Mikael and Mahdi, they’re all going to be with you; they all feel for you.”

Even couldn’t help but make a sound that sounded like a scoff even though it wasn’t what he wanted to convey. He wasn’t ungrateful, he just knew that it would be for nothing in the end.

“I’m still not going to win,” he said, and it felt weirdly sobering to say it out loud like that. “I’m going through hell with this and Coach is still going to walk away a free man. Sure, he’s lost his job over it and it’s shitty press, but he still has his license, he’s still allowed to coach. He’ll likely get back to it one day.”

Vilde immediately jumped to say what Even knew she would. 

“Don’t say it doesn’t make a difference. It might not feel like it right now, but it does. Every single thing you’re doing right now is going to make an impact. Maybe not on his career and maybe not immediately, but the next time this happens, there’s a history, there’s other cases. It’ll be easier then, and if that’s the only reason you’re doing this, then that’s at least something.”

Even nodded. He knew this. Isak had told him the same thing and so would everyone else he’d talk to about this. But they still didn’t understand what it meant for him, what he was going through. And he felt it every time he talked about the trial with someone. This distance that separated him from everybody else right now. 

He didn’t want to bring it up though, didn’t want to sound ungrateful or make Vilde feel bad. So he simply squeezed her shoulder one last time and focused on his fries again. But Vilde wasn’t done talking about the trial. 

“You know, maybe there’ll be some new development from the Sharks’ side after all,” she tried. “Maybe they’ll finally make a real statement, maybe they’ll get involved. You could talk to Yousef again.”

Even shook his head in defeat. He had tried that, multiple times, and it hadn’t worked. For now, the Sharks’ management remained silent, and there was only a week left until the trial. The statement the organization had given regarding their former head coach claimed that releasing him of his contract last year had had nothing to do with the accusations made against him. That they weren’t aware of anything in regards to the charges and had parted ways with their coach based on professional reasons. 

Of course it was all lies. It was no coincidence that they had let Coach go only a few weeks after Even had joined the Seadogs, on the day of his first official game. It was obvious that they had hoped Even wouldn’t continue playing after he had lost his contract with the Sharks, and that they had acted on his signing to a new team by firing Coach in order to cut all ties with him if the issue ever came up. They knew that there was truth to his claims or they wouldn’t have panicked and avoided any association with the charges.

But Even had no proof of course. All he had was a lawyer that had told him over and over again that yes, the timing of when his former coach had been let go was suspicious, but unless the Sharks admitted to their reasoning behind it, there was nothing he could do other than accept their statement. 

No matter how important Yousef had been to the Sharks these last few years, no matter how much impact he still had on their management and staff, given that he had been their captain and most important player by far, there was nothing he could do. He had apologized to Even over and over again, but challenging the Sharks’ statement was a lost cause. And besides, it was too close to the trial now anyways. 

Even knew he was going to lose, and he couldn’t help but feel like it was all for nothing, no matter how many times he was told differently.

He still smiled at Vilde when she stole his last fry from him after all, almost as if she was actively trying to increase his mood with the action. It worked too, and he looked down at the ice again, determined to not spiral down into thoughts about the trial today. He had done so too many times this summer and today wasn’t going to be about that.

“Do you think Isak is going to make the team?” Vilde asked him, as if she was reading his thoughts. 

“For sure,” Even nodded. “He’s good enough, he just doesn’t see it. And he doesn’t realize that he needs his teammates in order to prove it. He lets his personal life influence his game, always has, and if something feels off he won’t be as good as he can be. He needs to make friends, but I can’t do that for him.”

“Maybe you can make them together.”

“Mmhh,” Even hummed. “Maybe. But me being in Helsinki right now could also stop him from trying.”

Down on the ice, Isak and Jonas crashed into each other in celebration of nothing in particular that Noora caught on tape. It made a cute clip, Even guessed, the two of them smiling and patting each other’s backs, their sticks clashing together between them. This was what happy Isak looked like. When Even had met him last year, he had been the heart of the Seadogs, and it was weird to see him so lost now. 

Isak looked up at him then, as if he could feel his eyes on him. He made a motion indicating him to come down, and so Even crumbled up the paper plate his fries had been on and bumped his shoulder against Vilde’s in encouragement.

“Let’s join them,” he said. 

Together they went down to the home bench to put on their skates while Noora disappeared with Jonas to the locker room to film his interview scenes. Isak came to a halt in front of the bench and beamed at Even from behind the boards. 

“That’s gonna be one stupid video,” he laughed. “Let’s hope it makes Sana happy, at least it’s entirely family friendly.”

“Homophobic-asshole-friendly you mean,” Eva said at the same time as Vilde asked: “Who’s Sana?”

“My agent.” Isak scrunched up his nose at his words “She’s… intense. I don’t think you would like her. I don’t either.”

“I kind of do,” Even said. “I mean, she’s rude and bitter, but she has a point. I hate that she does, and if this was happening on a smaller scale than the KHL, I would tell her to go fuck herself and leave you be, but it’s the league that chose you and it comes with this shit.”

Isak gave him a weird look at that, one that said he didn’t entirely agree, but he didn’t say anything. As always, Eva spoke over their silent argument, oblivious of the sudden tension between them. 

“Well she sounds like someone I’d like to meet. I seriously can’t wait to watch KHL games from a private box and drink champagne while I collect all your new famous friends’ numbers.”

Even kept watching Isak while she spoke and he raised his eyebrows a bit in question, but then Isak shook his head and dropped it without telling Even what he was thinking. 

“Come play with me,” Isak told Even and extended a hand towards him. “You didn’t even pick up your stick when you were on the ice on Wednesday.”

“No,” Even shook his head. “You play with Eva against Vilde and me.”

So that’s what they did. They used the last hour the Seadogs’ management had granted them to play against each other. It wasn’t a fair game of course, and it got worse when Noora and Jonas came back since Noora’s experience on skates was limited to pond skating whereas Eva and Vilde at least still did figure skating.

But after a while Even was no longer interested in playing a slow game and giving Vilde easy assists on purpose. Instead he began to antagonize Isak with a smile on his face, stealing the puck from his stick, crowding against him from behind instead of properly defending his goal, and pushing at him until he laughed and pushed back. 

They broke away from the girls and Jonas then and started chasing each other around the rink the way they had done so many times during their extra practices at the beginning of the last season. Only Even had a harder time keeping up with Isak now. He hadn’t been on the ice in almost three months while Isak had trained with Jokerit for weeks. It showed in how he spun around Even easily and already scored a goal by the time Even had turned around. 

Isak scooped his puck out of the net and approached Even again with a wide grin on his face, feigning to go right but passing him on his left at the last moment. He made Even’s head spin with how fast he was. But Even followed him anyways, all the way down to the blue line where he stopped him by crashing into him and wrapping his arms around him from behind to press a wet kiss to his cheek right as Isak took his shot.

“Cheating,” Isak smiled as he watched his derailed puck hit the boards behind the net. “Bet you can’t score on me.”

And he was off again, speeding after his puck and passing it to Even only to then turn around on his skates and give him an expectant look, his eyes still gleaming. 

Even managed to score on him twice after that, but Isak answered every goal with two of his own. Eventually, Even teamed up with Jonas while the girls started to take off their skates on the home bench, but their joined attempts to get past Isak only made him laugh. He enjoyed showing off properly now, not only for the camera but for his former teammates. And Even loved encouraging him, wiggling his eyebrows provocatively every time they faced each other on the way to the goal.

When they finally came to a halt they were breathing heavily, Jonas let himself fall down onto the ice with trembling limbs immediately. Even was glad when Isak skated up to him so he had something to hold on to. His own legs were shaky from how he had skated hard for almost half an hour. He hadn’t done this in way too long and his body ached all over but also rejoiced at the familiar pull in his muscles. 

He smiled when Isak pressed a quick kiss to his lips before he left the ice to let the zamboni do its work and prepare the rink for the afternoon practice of the second division. Even’s heart was beating fast, mostly from skating, but also from the joy Isak had just filled it with.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all make me so happy xxx

For the first time ever since he had gotten the call about his drafting, Isak turned his phone off. He didn’t want to see how time was passing too quickly and his minutes in Oslo were ticking down. He didn’t want to receive all those stupid text messages in Finnish that were exchanged in the Jokerit group chat. And he didn’t want to deal with Sana or Eskild or literally anyone but his friends in Oslo.

They spent half the day on the ice and the other half having an early dinner with a bunch of other Seadogs. At the restaurant, Isak made himself sit next to Mahdi on purpose to ask him some questions about Sana and get to know her a bit better, but it proved to be fruitless.

“Dude, she’s like a stone,” Mahdi laughed when Isak asked how well he knew her. “No one knows her. A few Sharks are friends with her brother but that’s about it. She’s always at the rink, watching practices from up the stands and looking creepy as hell. Everyone knows who she is but no one dares to ask what she’s even doing there all the time. There was once a rumor that she made her dad kick some guy off the team because he asked to see her hair.”

“Well he shouldn’t have asked,” Isak shrugged.

Mahdi nodded. “True. So she’s your agent now? That’s… tough I guess.” He leaned back in his chair with a pitying look on his face. “She once told Yousef to stop being a crybaby when he took a puck to the balls. Only time she’s ever even talked to any of us.”

Isak couldn’t help but pull a face at the thought. Still, he went on asking: “But she called you the other day.”

“Yeah!” Mahdi sounded surprised himself. “She made me tell her everything I knew about you. Luckily that’s not a lot, I wouldn’t have been able to keep a secret from her, I swear. She scares the hell out of me. Sorry if I spilled some juicy details anyways.”

“It’s all good,” Isak said. He didn’t have anything to hide from Sana. The biggest scandal in his life was Even, and the thought of it made him laugh. 

Even, who was currently stealing grilled vegetables from Vilde’s plate only to tell her what a good choice she had made and how her body would thank her. He had ordered waffles himself, from the all day breakfast menu, and Isak smiled down at his sticky plate when Even looked over at him after a while. It was ridiculous that being with Even was outrageous to some when there were people out there who chose to date guys like William or Chris.

He let his eyes wander over the people at the long table and away from Even. Magnus had sent him a screenshot of his sad looking bank account earlier with a caption that had said ‘sorry I can’t be there, saving up to come see you in Finland tough’. But other than him, most Seadogs who knew Isak from last year were there, and currently talking loudly about what kind of team bonding trip would mark the beginning of their season this year. 

Isak didn't feel like joining their conversation about a season he wasn't going to be a part of. Instead he ended up watching Jonas and Eva. They were sat next to each other on the opposite side of the table from him. He hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk to either of them alone, regardless of how they had spent the whole day together. It had been surprisingly easy though. Maybe because he had set his conflicting feelings about them aside consciously, or maybe because they had all tried hard, knowing that they had to make up for the last few weeks in which they had neglected their friendship.

But no matter how easy it had been to pretend to be ignorant to their issues, he got up when he saw Eva leave the table with her phone in her hands after a while. He followed her outside where she was leaning against the bike stands, her fingers tapping away at her screen in an inhumanly fast way. 

"Everything alright?" Isak asked and she snapped her head up at the sound of his voice like she wasn't even used to hearing it anymore after a summer of silence between them.

"Yeah," she smiled. "Just needed to take a breather. Elias kept telling me about these super gross hockey injuries, he just wouldn't shut up over intestines being spilled on the ice."

Isak laughed. "Pretty sure that's a sad attempt at impressing you and nothing else."

"I don't know," Eva shrugged. "If someone managed to be gutted out there it would be you though. Anyways, I told Elias about that one time my friend Ella twisted her ankle when she fucked up her landing on the salchow and her bone literally stuck out of her foot."

"Cool," Isak nodded. "Eva..." 

"I know," she interrupted him. "I know we need to talk, and I know things have been weird."

"Yeah."

Isak was glad she was taking things out of his hands. He had made it this far, had followed her outside and finally managed to be alone with her, but now his brain wasn't providing him with anything useful to say. He looked at her and didn't feel any of the betrayal and disappointment that had weighed him down these last few weeks.

"I wish we had more than a stupid day together." Eva reached out for him then and he went to stand next to her, right where she wanted him, so she could rest her head against his shoulder. "You need to tell me everything about Helsinki, every single thing. Fill me in on your work out routine, damn!"

Isak didn't feel like laughing at the way she teased him. Instead he asked: "But do you really wanna hear it? I kind of thought you were pissed at me for leaving."

It was the only explanation Isak had been able to come up with. It fit nicely with his overall guilt and sadness in regards to him leaving Even behind, and it had been way too easy to accept it as a general truth that everyone in Oslo hated him for turning his back on them. He knew he was being stupid, but it was also the only thing he could imagine was going on with Eva. What else had he done to her other than getting on that plane?

But she shook her head.

"No. No I'm not mad at you, okay? I think you're mad at me. And for good reason."

Isak only shrugged his shoulders and it made Eva lift her head back up and shake out her hair. 

"A bit, yeah. You kind of disappeared on us after the playoffs."

"I know."

"It was all Noora then."

Eva took his hand in hers and it felt weirdly familiar but also strange after having only felt Even's large fingers wrap around his for way too long. Eva's hand was elegant and soft, with no callouses from holding a stick her entire life.

"I know. A lot of things happened and I kind of missed the right moment where I should have talked to you. And then you were gone all of a sudden and stopped calling."

"How about now?" Isak asked. 

He jerked his head a bit, down the quiet street that was lined by shops that had already closed hours ago. They hadn't even talked yet, but Isak already felt his heart racing towards Eva, covering the distance he had put between them over months in a matter of seconds. He didn't care what she had to say to him, he just wanted to talk to her again. So he pulled her into his side when they started walking, the way he had used to do.

He didn't expect Eva to start all the way in the beginning, but she did. 

"Remember when Vilde and I went out?"

Isak nodded. Of course he remembered. He had watched Eva get wasted that same night, crying over how she would never find the right person for her. And it was true that ever since Jonas, she hadn't really been with anyone. In the last year alone she had first convinced herself she was into Isak, simply because it would be easy and convenient, proceeded to go out with Even to make him jealous, and then dated Vilde just because she had felt like she had to try it all at that point. It had sucked for both him and Even, and even more so for Vilde, but probably for Eva herself, too.

"Well I know that sucked. I should never have used her like that and led her on, and I felt horrible about it. So I talked to Noora a lot, about how I had been so awful to Vilde and how to go back to being friends with her. And remember how she was dating Jonas then?"

Isak remembered that too. It hadn't lasted long, maybe a month, and Jonas hadn't been crazy about Noora, but it had happened. So he nodded again. 

"I don't know what he told you about why they broke up, but if you asked Noora she'd tell you it was because of me. Because he kept asking about me, apparently, kept talking about how he used to date me. So I started talking to Noora about Jonas, too."

"Where are you going with this?" Isak had to ask. He appreciated the explanation of where Eva had been and what had drawn her to Noora out of all people, but he didn't need to hear things Jonas wouldn't want him to know. He had always done a good job of being friends with both of them after their breakup, mostly because they didn't talk about each other.

Eva sighed. "Long story short, Jonas and I got back together this summer. And I've been avoiding you because I didn't know how to tell you. And because I felt guilty that he left you hanging because of me. Or, present tense, I still feel guilty for that. But then you also stopped calling and everything."

Isak stopped walking and dropped her hand at the same time. All he could think was that he should have seen it coming, but how? Today had made him feel a bit suspicious, yes, when he had seen them talk so much again and when Eva had told him how they had all hung out. But he hadn't been in Oslo for over a month, they had all graduated and a new chapter was beginning for all of them, so maybe their dynamics had just changed. What he knew for sure was that there had been no sign of this before the summer. Nothing that could have prepared him for this. 

"I'm sorry, Isak," Eva said quietly. Then she added, with a bit of desperation in her voice: "Do you want me to remind you how you only told me about Even once you were already dating him? It's hard sometimes to find the words for those things, even with your best friends."

"I'm not mad," Isak heard himself say even though he was still thinking. "Just... I didn't expect this. I don't know what to think about it. And fuck, for how long?"

"A month and a half now," Eva sighed. "I know. I know it's a long time, I'm sorry. It happened about a week before you left for Helsinki. Jonas was packing up and we had spent quite a lot of time together over the summer while you were in Italy and with your family and everything. And I just wasn't ready to say good bye to him and went over to his place and..."

"So that's why he didn't go."

Eva nodded. "He really wanted to though. I didn't tell him to stay, he just did."

Isak didn't care much that they hadn't told him sooner. Eva was right, he knew what it was like and that telling people things wasn't always the first priority. But damn, the second that it had impacted his life in that way, that it had made him go to Helsinki on his own, they should have gotten over themselves. 

"I hate this," Isak muttered. "You made me feel so damn lonely in Helsinki just because you felt guilty? You could have just said something, both of you, and maybe I wouldn't have felt like shit over there anymore and neither would you have. I kept thinking Jonas just didn't care that much after all."

Eva's eyes widened a bit at his words. 

"You left to play for the KHL, when I saw you right after Italy you were over the moon about that. I had no idea you were unhappy. We all watched you leave and pursue your dream while..."

"While what?" Isak saw her bite her lip and he knew what was coming. So she was mad at him after all. Of course she was.

Eva sighed and looked to the ground, but her voice didn't even tremble when she said: "While Even stayed here and we all spent our summer taking care of him. No one expected you to stay here or anything, I know how important this is to you, but I also didn't really think that you were the one that needed comforting."

Her words felt worse than any puck to the face Isak had ever taken. He had to close his eyes for a second to deal with six weeks of guilt that crashed down on him all at once. He should have fucking stayed.

"No no no, that's not what I meant." 

He heard Eva's frantic voice but he knew that she had meant exactly what she had said. She wasn't the kind of person to lie to his face.

"I only meant that..." her voice became a bit panicked now. "Damn it, I just wanted to say that I thought you were happy in Helsinki. Because it's all you've ever wanted. So before you left I didn't know how to tell you because you were so happy and busy with everything, and once you left I felt awful for making Jonas stay."

Isak had to swallow before he found his voice. "And what does Even have to do with any of that?"

"Nothing. Just that it reminded me of how you were living the good life over there, and every time I felt guilty for taking Jonas away from you I also started thinking that maybe we all needed him more here, since you seemed to do just fine without us, and then I felt guilty for that, too."

She wrapped her arms around his waist then and stepped closer to him so that she was standing right in front of him, but Isak didn't really feel it. His thoughts were racing and he kept seeing Even in his mind, sleeping alone in his new flat, lonely and upset and afraid.

When Eva continued talking, her voice was right at his ear, her breath on his cheek. 

"It was just a weird summer, with everything going on and you not being here. You were always the one who held us together, and when you left things kind of changed. A lot. And no one knew how to deal with it, no one knew how to talk to you."

"I'm still the same person," Isak almost whispered. There was no strength in his voice. "I just live a bit further off, but I'm still here. I still care. It's all I think about. Even, the trial, you and Jonas. It's on my mind all the damn time. It's not like I'm over there in Finland having the time of my life while my boyfriend..." 

He didn't know how to end the sentence. What was happening to Even was too much for him to comprehend, he didn't have words for it. 

"I care," he stammered instead. "I care, okay?"

"You didn't do anything wrong. I fucked up, Isak, big time, not you. I should have told you about Jonas, I should have just kept talking to you through all of it. I don't know why I didn't, it doesn't make any sense to me now."

It didn't make sense to Isak either. How they had ended up here, both of them feeling like they should have never walked away from the other. Isak didn't know why they had done so in the first place. He finally lifted his arms in return and placed them on Eva's back. It made her shudder against him and press her chest against his tightly. 

"I love you," she spoke into his shoulder. "You're my best friend. And I'm so sorry."

"Me too," Isak heard himself say, but he didn't really know what he was referring to. That he had stopped trying to talk to Eva, had stopped asking about her and had instead chosen to be upset with her, or that he had left. That he had left Even behind when he had needed him most.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry to the anon that I promised an update on Christmas omg. I would be lying if I said I was too busy, but I was definitely too distracted by food and sleep and boardgames. I hope y'all had a great holiday season so far xxx I love you!
> 
> Smut in the next one? Yes.

Isak was glad to see the waiter at their table with a checkbook once he and Eva finally got back to the restaurant. He headed straight for Even, who was still sat at the far end of the table, and wrapped his arms around his neck loosely from behind, while Eva sat back down next to Jonas a bit hesitantly. She might have expected Isak to come and talk to Jonas right now, but he was done for tonight.

“There you are,” Even said and tried to turn around to look at Isak, but Isak wouldn’t let him. He pressed his cheek to Even’s instead and simply hummed an affirmation. 

“Yeah, I was outside with Eva,” he said quietly. 

Even placed his hands on Isak’s. “Good. That’s good, right?”

“Yeah.” 

As much as Isak’s conversation with Eva had cleared the air between them, it had also left him feeling exhausted and heavy with things he hadn’t wanted to feel this weekend.

“We’re not going out for drinks, are we?” he asked, and Even lifted one of his hands up to his mouth and placed a light kiss on the back of it. 

“Not if it’s up to me.”

“Then no. I wanna go home with you.”

“Okay,” Even agreed easily.

Isak didn’t feel like moving just yet, despite their decision to leave. He remained pressed against Even’s back for a moment longer, feeling his steady breathing underneath him and savoring the way he brushed his thumbs over the back of Isak’s hand reassuringly, somehow knowing exactly what Isak needed. 

It didn’t take long for the guys to chirp them for the way they were standing too close and to start throwing comments at them, but Isak simply gave his teammates a tired smile. Former teammates, a voice in the back of his mind said, but it was just as tired. At least he could be himself in front of these people. So he pressed himself further into Even’s back until his quiff tickled his cheek. 

“Oh how I’ve missed the sight of you,” Elias cooed at them with a smile. “Nothing like some homoerotic PDA to warm my ice-cold hockey heart.”

“Nothing gets my dick harder than those tender images of captain rainbow and his sweetheart in the back of my mind,” Kasper laughed. 

Elias grasped his heart through his dark red shirt as if in pain. “Fuck, what are we gonna circle jerk to this season if not our favourite D’s?” 

“Shame I missed the show last season,” Mahdi sighed as Isak rolled his eyes at all of them but bit down on a smile at the same time. Even only leaned his head back and placed a kiss on Isak’s cheek to the exasperated groans and laughter of their team. Former team. Fuck.

They said good night in a bit of a hurry, and Isak stopped in front of Jonas for a bit longer than the rest. The way he and Eva looked at him guiltily, Isak knew what they had talked about just now. There was something anxious in Jonas’ eyes, something worrisome, but also the apology Isak knew was coming. 

“Let’s talk tomorrow, yeah?” Isak said. “It’s alright, don’t worry.”

He pulled Jonas into a hug and stayed there for a bit longer than necessary. Yes he was mad at him, or annoyed maybe, at the unnecessary secrecy and the distance they had allowed to grow between them, but he simply didn’t want to let it get any worse. What he wanted was to go back to Helsinki tomorrow knowing that things were better now. That he had his friends back. And it wasn’t that he didn’t know where they were coming from at all. He was the one who had left, the one who had stopped answering their rare calls because he hadn’t known how to deal with it all. Didn’t know how to feel at home in Helsinki while retaining his friendships back home.

Jonas gave him a heartfelt pat on the back and it was more encouraging than any of the ruffling and shoving he had received from the Jokers in five weeks. It just wasn’t the same. Not yet at least. 

“Okay. Talk tomorrow.”

The restaurant they had chosen was too far from Even’s flat to walk, so they got into a taxi as soon as they spotted one on the main street. Neither of them was in the mood for waiting on a bus for ages. They shared a ride with Mahdi and a defense rookie that Isak couldn’t help but pester with questions about his stats on the ride back. 

The rookie seemed to appreciate his advice though as soon as Isak offered it, and hung to his every word as if his tips were worth more than anything Coach had ever told him. It made Isak feel good, needed, and he kept talking for a while even after they got out of the taxi, somewhere between the dorms and Even’s new place. 

Eventually, Mahdi yawned and looked at his watch with a meaningful glance, and so they finally said goodnight and Isak followed Even down the quiet road to his flat. 

“What did Eva say?” Even asked as soon as Mahdi and his rookie were out of earshot, like he had been waiting to ask all night. 

“Long story short, she’s back with Jonas,” Isak repeated exactly what Eva had said earlier. 

“Ah,” Even only said. 

“You knew?” 

Isak hadn’t really minded being kept in the dark by his friends, it wasn’t the kind of thing that upset him, but if Even had known and he hadn’t, that was something else entirely. Luckily, Even shook his head though.

“No. I started wondering on the ice earlier, and the way they were during dinner kind of proved it.”

Isak knew he sounded more whiny than he wanted to when he said: “How do I not notice these things?”

“It’s because you’re captain,” Even smiled. “You have more important things to worry about.”

Isak ignored the sting in his heart that he felt at the word ‘captain’. It wasn’t true anymore. He knew how Even had meant the rest of what he had said, but it still made him pull a face at him. 

“Like myself you mean?”

“What? No! Not what I meant at all, come on.” Even rushed to say. “When did you become so self-conscious, huh?”

“I don’t know,” Isak muttered, and he meant it. It bothered him too, the way things always sat wrong with him these days. He couldn’t remember ever feeling more vulnerable to what others said about him. He knew it probably had to do with spending the summer amongst older guys who didn’t care much about him rather than his friends who looked up to him as their captain. People who didn’t know who he was and would probably hate him if they did. But it wasn’t an excuse, merely an explanation.

“How do you feel about Eva and Jonas?” Even asked as they crossed the street to his flat. It was a tiny place on the third floor of some apartment complex, but it was just what Even needed. Near the rink and reasonably priced.

Isak shrugged. “I don’t care much to be honest. I want them to be happy. Kind of wish they had talked to me rather than just ghosting me, but there’s no point in crying about it, right? I was a bit of a dick to them too, I guess.”

What he cared about most was that everyone, including himself, seemed to think that he had abandoned Even. But he wasn’t about to bring that up yet again. He watched Even fumble with putting the key in the lock and then push against the door roughly with his shoulder in order to open it. 

It was quiet in Even’s flat and Isak was glad for it. They opened a window and the sounds from the street below provided some white noise while they got undressed and ready for bed together. Even stood next to him as they brushed their teeth and smiled at their domestic pose in the mirror. Finishing before Isak he leaned against the shower door as he studied him from the side.

Isak spat into the sink and leaned forward to take a drink from the tap. When he leaned back he could feel Even’s eyes on his bare chest. He turned his head to raise an eyebrow at him in question. 

“You sure have changed,” Even remarked. “Gotten bigger.” 

He walked over to Isak to run a finger over his upper arm and then let his hand rest on his chest.

It wasn’t like Isak hadn’t noticed that he was able to press even more weight in the gym or that he could skate even harder and take and give rougher checks. But he hadn’t thought the change was this apparent. Even hadn’t commented on it before Eva had done so multiple times today, so it couldn’t have been that obvious. It wasn’t like his clothes had stopped fitting him or anything. Maybe they were a bit tighter, but whatever.

“You’re not seriously jealous of Eva, are you? Saying this just because she did?” Isak laughed and took Even’s admiring hand off his chest. 

Even took a step closer and intertwined their fingers in response to Isak’s touch. 

“No, but she’s right. You look good. Tough.”

“Curious how you’re only seeing it now that she did,” Isak teased. He couldn’t help but admire how beautiful Even’s face looked this close to his. His quiff messy from running his hand through it all night, his full eyebrows and lashes, the attentive look in his eyes that told him he was as aware of their close proximity as Isak was. His chapped lips and the way he ran his tongue over them under the scrutiny of Isak’s attention. 

Even rolled his eyes the way Isak so often did to him. 

“Come on, I noticed how tight your Jokerit Shirt was on you the day I picked you up from Hartwall. How could I not?” He dropped his gaze down to Isak’s chest again with a smile they both shared.

“Mmhh,” Isak hummed with a smirk on his face. “Well Eva was certainly...”

“Shut up,” Even laughed and pressed a quick kiss to his lips, breaking the tension between them easily. “I didn’t tell you how you looked like some walking protein shake commercial because I didn’t want to weird you out, okay?” 

He was still laughing, his dimples still showed on his cheeks and his eyes were small, the way they always got when he was happy, but Isak still jerked to attention at his words.

“Hm?”

Even lifted his eyes to him again and the honesty in them almost killed Isak. 

“I didn’t want you to feel distant. You were freaked out by me wearing red that night, I didn’t think you’d need to hear how Jokerit had changed you even more.”

Isak imagined that this was what it felt like to look directly into the sun, and he had to avert his eyes. Sometimes, when Even stared at him the way he did then, he felt like it was going to destroy him. Like the feeling of being known was going to burn him alive. In a good way.

“Even,” he wanted to say, but it only came out as a whisper. He didn’t know how Even did it. How he read him this well, over and over again. And he felt horrible for being unable to say anything back, unable to make him feel the same way. He didn’t know how Even felt, couldn’t even imagine what would come close to it these days. 

He didn’t know if Even actively pulled him into a hug or if he just fell against him, but he ended up pressed closely to his chest with his arms wrapped around him one way or another. Even smelled like the restaurant they had spent the evening in, and like Isak’s shampoo that he had used earlier when they had taken a shower at the rink.

“I feel like I’m failing you,” he heard himself whisper into Even’s hair as he clung to him just a little bit tighter. He hadn’t meant to say it, but here he was anyways. And as soon as the words were out he felt lighter, regardless of how they didn’t feel easy. 

Even didn’t say anything back at first, and how could he? Isak just kept breathing him in, burying his face in the crook of his neck and letting his lips settle against the slightly salty skin of his neck. They stood like that for a while, with Even holding Isak tightly at his waist and Isak taking in deep breaths of home home home.

Even didn’t even bother pulling back in order to look at Isak like he usually did when he spoke. Isak could feel the vibrations in his throat when he did though.

“No,” was all he said. And then again. “No.”

Isak pressed his chest even closer, tightening his arms around him. 

“I feel so helpless. I don’t know how to be there for you.” 

It was somehow easier to say it into the dark, so he closed his eyes again and pressed his face against Even’s neck.

“Isak,” Even said and then swallowed. “Last year, when I joined your team, you were the only one who made me want to be there. You made me want to play hockey again, you made me feel like there was a point to everything. If it hadn’t been for you, I don’t think I’d be around to deal with this at all. I would have never found a way to be okay again. But I did, which is why I can do this now. The trial is nothing compared to last year, because I’m with you now.”

He took another deep breath that Isak felt all around him. Then he whispered: “There’s no one I trust more than you. No one that makes me feel more safe and more sane, okay? And that’s all you can do.”

Isak could only nod because his throat was closing up and he didn’t trust himself to say anything. They were going to do this together. He just had to keep telling himself that they were going to be okay. 

Eventually, he pulled away from Even just enough to look at him. He had to see his face when he said his next words. Because he meant them. So he took Even’s face between his hands and made sure that Even understood him when he said: “If you want me to come back then I will. I will drop Jokerit the second you ask me to, and you won’t ever have to feel bad about it. You come first. You will always come first.”

Even stared at him for a long time, his eyes full of complicated thoughts that he tried to form words for. 

“I don’t want to ask that of you,” he finally said. “Not because I’d feel bad about it, but because I want you to be in Helsinki. I want you to have that chance. We’re still together, we’re still us. It’s just a damn border, right?”

“Right,” Isak nodded. “Still us.”

They just had to keep doing this. Keep talking, keep touching, keep feeling each other’s heartbeat. They were going to be just fine. Jokerit was just a club and the trial was just the law and hockey was just a sport. Everything was made up except them.

Isak knew he was done feeling guilty then. He was done bottling up his feelings of shame and whining about Jokerit because Helsinki kept him from being there for Even when he most wanted to be. It was what it was. And it was out there now, really out there, acknowledged by Even and safely stored away between them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everything you do xxx
> 
> WARNING for smut!

The first time they had done this had been the night of their cup win. They had been tired and exhausted and riding the high of winning, of having accomplished what they had set out to do. It had been slow, yet efficient. So damn careful, like walking on eggshells. Kind of like breaking the ice. They had both wanted to, had both said yes, over and over again, and yet there had been questions upon questions hanging in the air between them. Of whether it was still yes, whether is was good, whether it was going to be over too soon. Mostly, it had left them both anticipating more.

The next time they had done this had been their second night in Italy. They had both known it would happen, had prepped accordingly all day and hit a small corner store with flushed faces and eagerness in their eyes. The night air had only been slightly cooler than the blistering heat of the day, but at least it had made the curtains dance in the wide open window and let a breeze caress their sweaty bodies. It had been just as slow, just as careful, but also more certain. Still so new and so damn overwhelming for the both of them. It had lasted nowhere near as long as Isak had wanted it to, but he had still been sore for days. Sore enough for them to not try again that week, since hurting Isak was still apparently Even’s worst nightmare.

The third time it would happen, Isak decided, was tonight. 

His hands were still on Even’s face as they stood in front of each other in the tiny bathroom, trading reassurances and confessions. He caressed Even’s full lips with his thumbs first, stroking the pads of his fingers over them until they fell open and Even’s tongue chased his fingers away. Then he leaned in to kiss him, slowly, yet with the intent of letting him know what he wanted. 

He wasn’t sure if Even was willing to give it to him yet. Right now, with the trial ongoing and all those boxes in his mind that he had stored the better half of last year in being wide open. But he would never know if he didn’t ask. So he kissed Even more deeply, letting his tongue run over his lower lip.

They had only done this twice in almost a year, and Isak didn’t mind. He had known when he had met Even that this was never going to be easy. That it was always going to remain a question he would need Even to answer over and over again. It wasn’t the goal when they were together, not even now that they had crossed that line and gone all the way in spring. It still wasn’t easy, and Isak sure as hell didn’t take it for granted.

Of course he thought about it. He had fantasized about it long before the play offs, long before he had dared to ask Even about it. And now that he knew what it felt like to give himself up to Even like that, what if felt like when Even pushed into him and looked at him with those lust-filled eyes, pupils blown, he thought about it more often than not. He thought of it every time he was on his own, and every time it was Even’s hands or mouth or sometimes just his thigh or abs helping to get him off. 

Of course he wished they had found more moments that were right for this, but for no orgasm in the world would he dare and go for it when it didn’t feel right. He could wait for a time in which it would maybe be easier, in which they could do this more often. For now though, Isak didn’t mind that it still remained this earth-shattering thing that managed to occupy his thoughts for weeks afterwards. And he knew how it stayed on Even’s mind too, how he went over it again and again. Both times it had happened, he had still asked Isak about it weeks after, had made sure it had been a yes.

Isak knew by now that he could ask anything he wanted to, could tell Even anything he had been thinking about, without having to worry about Even not knowing how to say no. He knew, and so did Isak. So Isak dropped his hands to Even’s lower back and pushed them into his boxers without hesitation. If it was a no, he’d find himself at an arms length away from Even in a matter of seconds.

But Even sighed against his mouth and finally let Isak’s tongue in to brush against his own. They were pressed together, front to front, with nothing between them but their boxers to keep them from feeling the other grow hard at the sensation of their tongues chasing each other and their hands roaming over bare skin. 

They’d done a lot, but it hadn’t really involved Isak’s hands where they were right now, pushed inside Even’s boxers at his backside, stroking over his skin, lower and lower. Isak knew they probably wouldn’t take a step this big tonight, but it was his way of letting Even know where he wanted this to go. By pushing his fingers between Even’s cheeks and stopping there, right when Even tensed up a bit, probably wondering where Isak was gonna go.

Nowhere. He wasn’t going to go anywhere without talking to Even about it first. He simply ran his fingers back up into the safe territory of Even’s lower back and pushed his hips forward in a rough motion, making them both groan. 

“Please,” he panted against Even’s lips, and Even dropped his hands immediately, if slowly. Isak moaned at how easily Even understood him and did his best to spread his legs a bit while standing up to let Even go where he wanted him to. He could feel Even grow even harder against him at the realization and made sure to rub his dick against his in a way that made Even shudder. 

Even’s fingers found their destination as if they had done this a thousand times before, and Isak had to hold on to him in order to not fall at the sensation that made his knees buckle and his upper body tremble in pleasure. He had tried to imitate what Even had done to him a few times now on his own, but it just wasn’t the same. 

He could hear Even’s breathing speeding up right at his ear and it made him crazy knowing that Even was just as into this, was getting just as riled up touching him. Just one finger already felt like a comfortable stretch, and the thought of Even pushing into him tonight, forcing his way inside when he was so tight and clinging around his every inch made Isak groan in excitement. He wanted this. Wanted to be close to Even in any way possible. He was so damn tired of all that distance, all the navigating around issues with everyone in his life. For once, he wanted it to be easy, with no walls between them, nothing holding them back. He wanted it all.

So he let Even slide his finger in and out of him until it didn’t feel like it was enough anymore and his lips started to tingle from the way Even was biting at them. 

“Another,” Isak whispered, but instead of giving him what he wanted, Even moved his hand back up to Isak’s neck, leaving him feeling empty.

“Not without lube.”

Even’s words came out in a short pant, and he started pushing Isak towards the bedroom as he said them. Isak went willingly, his dick giving an excited twitch against his belly that made Even groan at the sight. 

Isak laid down on his backside, settling into the many pillows while he watched Even rummage around in his dresser. When he turned around, he held not only lube but a condom, and Isak couldn’t help but smile at him, probably looking incredibly desperate. So they were gonna go all the way. His entire body heated up at the thought, his heartbeat racing. 

As expected, Even laughed at his eagerness. The sound was a low rumble in the silence that almost made Isak moan again. But Even’s eyes were also searching when he walked back over to the bed, running from Isak’s eyes to his waiting mouth, taking in the way his skin was flushed with anticipation. Isak lifted his hands to touch him as soon as he was close enough in order to make sure Even settled down on top of him rather than next to him.

“Yes,” Isak said even though Even hadn’t asked yet. Yes to the condom in Even’s hand, yes to Even spreading his legs with his hips, to their dicks pressing together again as he sank down. Then he said it again, but as a question this time. 

“Yes?”

Even’s eyes found his and there was something a little bit anxious in them that made Isak’s insides pull together. He hated nothing more than that look on Even, hated no one more than the guy who had put it there. But Even had looked like this the last time, too. It was never going to go anywhere, that little bit of nerves and hesitation. What mattered was whether Even still wanted to try. And apparently he did, since he gave him a small nod and leaned down to kiss him again. 

They kissed for forever, both of them sinking down into the mattress, their hips slowly starting a rhythm of their own, rubbing together in anticipation of more. It got better when Even dropped a bit of lube between them, making the slide so good that Isak’s head began to spin and he had to fight the building pleasure inside him as to not to let it take over too quickly. 

He knew that Even knew that he was getting close. Even knew him well enough to read the way he started tensing up at each of his thrusts, started gasping into Even’s ear and his hands began grasping at his back almost roughly. So Even began to move down Isak’s body just enough to kiss his neck and let his own hips settle against Isak’s thigh instead, not quite willing to give up on the pressure. His large hand wrapped around Isak’s right leg and moved it from where he had it wrapped around Even’s hips so that his knee fell to the side, resting against the mattress, and his hand could reach where Isak wanted it to. 

“Careful,” Isak whispered a warning at the way Even’s kisses against his sensitive neck became more insistent and heated. 

Even only hummed in agreement and his tongue took over for his teeth in order to make sure he wasn’t going to leave any marks on Isak this time. Isak hated it. Not the feeling of Even’s tongue licking over his skin, not at all, but the way they had to keep their heads clear enough to remember these things. How they had become a secret again. But he pushed the thoughts away.

When Even’s lubed up fingers found his hole again, thinking became impossible altogether and Isak’s eyes fell close as he concentrated on relaxing his muscles, on letting Even in. He moaned when Even found that one spot inside of him that he could never quite reach on his own, whispering into Even’s hair how good it felt, right there. 

He could feel Even rubbing himself against his leg slowly, like he couldn’t stop himself from moving, and the slide was easy not only due to the lube on his dick, but also due to how Even was leaking against his thigh now. 

Isak was good with two fingers by now. Taking Even in all the way would still overwhelm him, had still even hurt him both times they had done it, but he was comfortable with two now and wanted Even to go for three. 

“Sure?” Even’s question was merely breath against his neck, but it came just when Isak knew it would. He was ready to nod eagerly and bumped his chin against Even’s head in the process. Even moved to capture his lips again and a shot of pleasure lit Isak up from the inside as the tip of his index finger brushed over his prostate repeatedly to make the burn of a third finger feel less demanding. 

Isak loved it. Loved being buried underneath Even like this when he was usually the one to climb into Even’s lap and straddle him, clothed or not. He loved how wired his body was, how they were both trembling and sweating and pressed close together in all the right ways. 

Isak’s hand found the condom Even had dropped on the mattress next to them and he managed to unwrap it behind Even’s back while Even kept pushing into him, kept loosening him up and rubbing his fingertips teasingly in small movements inside him. 

“Fuck,” Isak hissed at a particularly good thrust and his dick jerked against Even's abs. He wanted to wrap his hand around it, wanted to squeeze his balls for some release, but he knew from experience that once he did, once he gave in, he was going to be gone for. So he motioned for Even to lift himself up a bit instead and worked his hands between their bodies to roll the condom over Even's hot dick.

Even groaned when Isak made sure to stroke him tightly as he worked the latex over him, and the muscles of his abdomen twitched with the pleasure. He pulled his fingers back then and Isak almost wanted to tell him no, to just keep going until he’d cover both of their chests in hot release. But he knew it was going to get even better, more intense, when Even was inside him, and so he bit his own lip to stifle the complaint. 

“All good?” Even asked, his voice weak, and Isak nodded frantically. 

“Want you. Fuck, come on.”

He could feel Even lowering himself down and let his legs fall apart even more, wrapping them around Even’s narrow hips again. He dug his heels into Even’s thighs in order to pull him in even closer, make him move already, but Even was studying his face again. And when Isak looked at him now, he could see more than a bit of nerves in his eyes. 

His jaw was tense, his lips pressed close together, and his eyes held shadows of something darker than lust. Out of instinct, Isak uncurled his fingers from where he had buried them in Even’s hair and placed his hands flat on Even’s back instead, stroking over his warm skin in slow circles. 

“Is it no?” he asked, trying his absolute best not to sound disappointed. It wasn’t the first feeling he felt, since all he wanted was for Even to lose that sadness in his eyes, but it was there, covered underneath concern and a hint of anger. Anger about how this would never be easy, how something had been taken away from Even last year, some easy way to enjoy this. The last thing he wanted was for Even to think it was directed at him though, and so he concentrated on taking even breaths and calming that bit of fear in Even’s eyes down.

“I think...” Even said but then swallowed and the look in his eyes changed, as if in determination. “I’m going to fuck your thighs. Yes?”

An electric feeling spread in Isak’s lower stomach and went straight to his balls. 

“Yes.” He heard his own voice coming out low and raspy. Fuck yes.

Even’s hand went underneath his right leg, holding it up to his chest, and he had his fingers back inside of Isak before he could say anything else. Then he repositioned himself so that when he sank back down, his dick was trapped between Isak’s thighs that he pressed close together, bent up at his chest. The slide was already easy, but Even still dropped more lube between them, rubbing a bit of it on Isak’s aching dick as well, just because. 

Isak shuddered at the touch and he didn’t know what was better: the feeling of Even’s fingers picking up their pace again, rubbing at his prostate with one goal now, the feeling of his hard dick between his thighs, starting to move in and out slowly but determined, or how his own dick was pressed against his lower stomach and his thighs rubbed against it every time Even moved. 

He wanted to ask again, to make sure that they were okay, that Even was fine, but all that came out was a moan. He began lifting up his hips in time with the thrusts of Even’s fingers and his hips, moving with him until the room began to spin. His balls drew up after merely a second, and he buried his right hand back in Even’s hair to keep himself from touching his dick and shooting between them before Even even had a chance to catch up. 

“Even,” he panted, and when Even cursed silently in return he knew this was good, that he was enjoying himself just as much. It wasn’t Even’s dick inside of him, but it was still so much, so many sensations that took over his body. The small sounds Even let out made his stomach drop, his pants and gasps, paired with the slick sound of his hips picking up speed and his dick being caught between Isak’s legs. 

Isak had to squeeze his eyes shut when it all became too much, and he bit his lip when his balls swelled up, making himself hold on just a little bit longer. He wanted Even to come first, needed it so badly that he could feel his teeth sink down too hard into his lower lip and break the skin. 

“So good,” he moaned, “Even, you’re so good.”

Even cursed and sped up the movement of his hips, pushing between Isak’s burning thighs in short thrusts. His mouth fell open in the way Isak knew too well by now and he fell forward and pressed his Isak's thighs against his dick as he came. Isak couldn’t help but push up his hips at the pressure, push closer and closer until Even’s fingers threatened to slip out of him and he whined and grasped at his back, lost in the pleasure that was rushing towards him. 

Even knew what he wanted, of course he did. He pushed a single finger back into him and kept it right where Isak ached for it, rubbing against his prostate while Isak's thighs trapped his dick against his stomach. Isak grew just that little bit harder and hot liquid spread between them as he trashed underneath Even, his orgasm pulsing through him. 

“Fuck,” Even mumbled, his vocabulary currently as limited as Isak’s. “Shit, Isak.”

Isak only smiled at him. His brain felt as if it had melted under the rush. 

“Was that okay?”

Even was out of breath and shivering above him, but there was already a hint of concern in his voice.

“Yes. So okay.” 

And Isak meant it. He hadn’t come this hard in months.

“I don’t know what that was,” Even whispered. “Too many thoughts, I guess. I wanted to, I just...”

“It’s okay,” Isak rushed to say when he realized Even wasn’t going to finish his sentence. “Whatever we do is okay, I promise. This is perfect.”

Even nodded then, a bit tentatively, but Isak knew he believed him. It was going to be okay. If this was what they had together, it was going to be better than okay.


	15. Hiatus

I have decided to put the posting of this story on hold for now. I will still finish it and I will most likely just post the rest in one go when I am done so that you get to have a conclusion to this. But I will stop posting chapters as I write them.  
Lately I have gotten quite a few comments that were either rude or outright cruel. I have dealt with them by deleting them because it is not worth my time to tell someone how fucked up it is to send death threats and 'kill yourself already' messages to others. It's really not something that I should even have to address. But no matter how I deal with this situation, these people exist and I no longer find joy in posting this story. Right now Ao3 is an unsafe space for me that I can no longer be a part of without compromising my mental health. Most of the comments that I get are still kind and loving, and I love you all for that. But I just cannot deal with feeling nervous and anxious every time I read the emails I get about comments. It takes me days or even weeks to get these messages out of my head and it really is a fight to remain positive about the story. Writing has always been my safe space and if I need to stop sharing my writing in order to keep it that way then sadly that's what I have to do. I am so sorry for you guys who are still reading - I promise I will finish the story and make it available to you somehow. But right now I need to make my mental health a priority and stay away from an environment that is dangerous for me to be in.  
You can still find me on wecanjustbreathe.tumblr.com and I would love to stay in touch with you, but I will close my ask box, or at least the anon option, if the same thing starts happening on tumblr too. Please be kind.  
Something I would definitely be willing to do is open a google doc where you can keep reading the chapters as I write them, just like you can now, but you would have to trust me with your email for that of course. Do send me a message or an ask on tumblr if you are interested in that. Maybe we can open a small google doc community where things can be fun and respectful again. Don't be shy to contact me about anything, I always love talking to you and making new friends. Ao3 used to bring so much joy into my life and I will forever be thankful for everything you guys have given me.

Edit: I have now created the google doc. If you want to be a part of it, just send me your gmail one way or another. I promise to be careful with your private information of course. The only people seeing your email would be the other people on the doc. Thank you to everyone who is following me into smaller community, it means the world to me xxx


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